Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Womp Womp Nationwide

Ok, Nationwide, I saw this commercial last night and I have to know what the fuck is going on here. I’m all for equal opportunity employment and all that jazz but honestly, why the fuck do you have a mentally retarded man speaking on behalf of your company? I can’t look at this dude and not laugh and you expect this guy will HELP you sell insurance? I wouldn’t trust this guy to sell me crack, or heroine for that matter. 

Picture yourself getting into a car accident, frustrated as shit that some dumbfuck just hit you, and then you have to call THIS GUY. I would rather call Dr. Kevorkian in prison and ask for the quickest method of euthanasia rather than having to deal with this slow-talking, child fondler for an insurance claim. Can you imagine what this guy would say and how many fucking times you’d have to repeat yourself? 

Nationwide, I understand you’re trying to identify with your everyday consumer, but what the fuck? This guy is dumber than Lloyd Christmas and looks like Earthworm Jim. People want experts and professionals handling their crises, not Sloth from The Goonies older brother. Who runs your marketing department? I’m imagining someone that looks more ape than human. I could be wrong, but I don’t think special ed children are the ones buying insurance these days.

You: “Yes, Michael, I’ve been in an accident.”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “Uh oh, someone had a boo boo!”

You: “No, asshole, I’ve been t-boned by a redneck, pig fucker in a Ford F-350 dually and he totaled my car and I need to go to the hospital.”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “Soooo, was there any damage to the vehicle? Do you feel mad? Sometimes I feel mad.

You: “Huh? I said totaled?! Is this a child on the line or an insurance representative?”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “No, I’m not a child but I do love sunshine and rainbows and popsicles! Do you like popsicles? Think about popsicles and maybe you will feel better.

You: “Alright, you fucking ree ree, I’m switching to Geico.”

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One response

  1. Sherm

    Your a dick don.

    June 10, 2009 at 5:58 pm

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