Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Archive for September, 2009

How Can You Not Miss the Eighties?

You probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes.

This is straight up awesome. I want to do a play by play and rip on every comment from this video, but then this blog would be longer than my… nevermind. It’s Monday morning and I’m sure that some of you are still hung over from this weekend so just let the video do the talking. This is so much more legit than eHarmony. Enjoy.

“I’m looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who is the godess?” WTF.

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Cop Bangs Cows

JINDICT03a

This guy enjoys getting his penis slobbed on by cows. Not just any cows, but little baby ones. Say hello to the rightfully suspended police officer named Robert Melia. Stop thinking about how much this guy looks like the owl from the Tootsie Roll “How many licks?” commercials and start thinking about how far you want to stay away from this creep. In 2006, Melia was charged with animal cruelty for sticking his purple headed yogurt slinger into the mouth of FIVE different cows in Burlington County, New Jersey and the charges were just recently dropped. Apparently, bestiality is still legal in New Jowsey. WTF!?

There is something seriously wrong with our legal system if someone can walk away from something as perverse as this. Also, how the fuck is bestiality not illegal there? I mean honestly, it literally means having sex with animals. How is that possible? I know plenty of people that have gotten drunk and made some bad decisions, but I’m yet to hear a story about someone waking up next to something that isn’t human. To be honest, I would probably bang a mermaid, but that’s about as far as it goes.  Besides, the laws are a little blurry when it comes to supernatural creatures anyways. Seriously though, how do you even get to that point where you decide to start having sexual relations with an animal? I mean, it just seems like a lose-lose situation. 

New Jersey hasn’t gotten around to outlawing bestiality yet, so this guy gets to use the same water fountains and public playgrounds that your darling children get to use. Really? This guy walks around sticking his wanker in live beef and gets to live a normal life while people are going to jail for marijuana. If you did a poll in your local community and asked everyone if they would rather have potheads or cowfuckers in their town, what do you think the outcome would be? My faith in mankind wants to think potheads would win by a landslide.

I know this is a shocker, but this COP is also accused of sexually assaulting three young girls and one little boy. Let me get this straight. This guy molests litte girls, little boys, little cows, and he’s not in jail getting raped by Bubba yet? That’s a crying shame. Can’t wait to see the YouTube video of this guy burning in hell.

Nice gizzard

Nice gizzard

Check out Robert Melia’s girlfriend. If I were him, I would’ve told the judge that I was just confused and thought the cows were my girlfriend.


I Can Derelict My Own Balls

No hobo

"Hey, can I keep this shirt? No hobo."

I knew I loved this company when they collabed with Etnies and came out with shoes that read “FUCKING AWESOME” across the heel. Then, when they dropped their fall/winter collection lookbook that featured vagabonds as their models, I just about peed myself. This line really is “Fucking Awesome”.

Whats better than having old ass bums as your models? Absolutely nothing. Not only can you pay them with a 40 oz. or some crack rock, but they make the photographer look like Estevan Oriol. I mean look at these dudes. These guys look like they are coming out of a 14 month blackout and they are making modeling look easy. The first guy has no idea what the hell is going on,  staring at the photographer like “Who the fuck are you and where the hell is my dadgum shopping cart? I got sardines in there.”  

Holdin my d like a pimp

Holdin my d like a pimp

Bahahaha. Come on. Really? This one is the essence of humor. A bitter-beer faced, old black man rocking a shirt that reads “Fucking Awesome”, and staring off to the distance like a supermodel, while itching his crotch like a crack head. It honestly doesn’t get more clever than that. I bet the guys that started this line are cool as shit and got these bums all boozed up and introduced them to a bunch of pretty ladies afterwards. Think about that awkward interaction. I mean that is exactly what I would do if I were them. Can you imagine these guys wandering around the launch party aimlessly, staring off into space and mumbling shit under their breath? I don’t know about you guys, but I think thats a mental image worth making a reality.

Yeah, so what

"Yeah, so what"

“I got this gay shirt on with some alien on it and these crazy ass fags are taking pictures of me.”

This guy is an exemplary bum. He looks like one of the grumpy, pissed off homeless guys that just yells shit at you when you walk by.  He’s even giving the photographer the “What the fuck are you looking at?” face. Completely awesome. They probably had to do some Crocodile Hunter type shit to get this guy into the studio. “Crikey, this guys a fiesty one. Lets use the tranquiliza dawt and shoot him right in the neck and get him to calm down niiiice n easy before we transport this beauty.” I’m pretty sure they risked their lives bringing this guy in.

Etnies X Fucking Awesome

Etnies X Fucking Awesome

Not only do people have the audacity to rock shirts that explicitly display four letter words, but there’s also that same market for footwear. I almost bought these guys, then I remembered that I have parents, and my parents wouldn’t think these are fucking awesome. It’s one thing to say it every other word on your blog that is written by an alias, but it’s a totally different beast walking around with shoes that literally scream “Fucking Awesome”. My Mom would literally wash my mouth out with soap for wearing these, which is kind of rad if you think about it. I can totally see some punk 15 year old hipster kid rolling into his parents house with these bad boys on thinking how cool he was. Then, subsequently crashing back to reality once his mom throws these things away faster than his dime bag of shwag he left in the dirty laundry.

Props, “Fucking Awesome”. You had the balls to release a clothing line that is named after a phrase you dropped after watching Shark Week. I don’t think you’ll be moving your offices to Madison Avenue anytime soon, but I commend you for launching shirts that are so hipster, that even the gnarliest of mustache sporting, skinny jean wearing, pseudo-intellects can’t even wear them.


Paul & I Been Togetha Fo Fo Long Yuuurs

“I don’t know what she do with the chicken tetrazzini, but Paul loves it.”

Mmmmmm. Sounds kinky.

Thank you Dominique, Paul, Alycia, and chicken tetrazzini for exemplifying why foreigners think were fucking stupid.


Fashion Shmashion

blog1Ok, Nike, please stop dropping kicks that cater to 14 year old suburban kids. I’m convinced that your designers work at the local Macy’s and pick up on trends a year after they’ve been worn out worse than Paris Hilton’s yoo hoo.

You take one of the bombest running shoes ever, the Nike Air Huarache, and combine it with another epic shoe, the Nike Air Max 90, and THIS is the first colorway you come up with??? Elephant print AGAIN? That is fucking retar-tar in my honest opinion. Elephant print has become custy as fock for a while now because your designers have a tendency to flog the shit out of styles until they’re no longer cool. This has to stop or else my shoe rack will look like a petting zoo.

Marc Jacobs Skate Decks

Marc Jacobs Skate Decks

Wow,  these are going to fly off the shelves. A skateboard deck made and targeted for homosexuals.

I don’t know about you, but most skaters I see don’t really look like the type of guys that would say “Hmmm, that kickflip was SUPER cute. OMG! I just haaaaaaaave to learn how to do that, you batch.” Sorry Marc, I just don’t think luxury brands have an audience with a sport that rebels against fashion trends and despises corporate culture.

Reebok Pump Court Victory 2

Reebok Pump Court Victory 2

Although the color scheme is a little on the limp-wrist side, you gotta love the same Pump’s that Michael Chang used to rock, in a colorway that exudes party time. First off, Pumps are epic. Now, factor into the equation that they are the “Miami Vice” edition. That makes them legendary and appropriate to wear to yacht clubs, black tie events, and anywhere Kate Moss can be found. Win.