Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

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Talking Gorilla Doesn’t Approve of Humans with New Year’s Message

Check out this talking gorilla who doesn’t approve of our behavior. I didn’t know sign language could cut to the core like that but it totally does.

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Translation: Koko is a gorilla.

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Translation: I love y’all but…

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Translation: Y’all are fucking stupid.

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Translation: It makes me cry.

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Translation: I’m trying to protect Earth but you’re fucking it up.

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Translation: Don’t think that we won’t fucking kill you. We see you.

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Translation: Thank you but go fuck yourself.

Remember the movie Congo? There is a speaking gorilla named “Amy” who requests martinis and leads an expedition to King Soloman’s diamond mine. I can appreciate both. Check out Amy below…

Happy New Year, Koko.


I Smell Bacon

This is what you get when you have inmates painting the decals on your police vehicles, and I love it. Vermont “artist inmates” painted a pig on as many as 30 police cruisers. Look at the shoulder of the cow.

Subtle touch but very effective once noticed. The best part about it is that these alterations were made over four years ago. I am trying to think about this from the cops perspective, and I’d imagine it would be like walking around with food in my teeth for four years, but I’m struggling getting into the cops mindset because I’m not undereducated, poor, and simple.


Guy Challenges Handicapped Man to Duel

This was on rants and raves section of Cragslist in Washington DC. Probably the most well written rant I’ve ever seen.  This guy is awesome. The fact that he is willing to go into debt just so he can joust the handicapped man fairly is a telltale sign of his character.

Hello sir, 

My name is Ben and at about 8pm tonight (1/17/12) you ran directly into me with your electric wheelchair in front of the Giant in Columbia Heights, DC.

Allow me to illustrate what exactly happened that was so be-fuddling and anger inducing that it would inspire me to create a “missed connection” post on Craigslist.

After a long day at work, I entered the aforementioned Giant in our wonderful nation’s capital. All I needed were paper towels. I purchased said paper towels and was on my merry way home only to be caught in a pedestrian traffic jam of sorts at the entrance of the grocery store. After avoiding disaster and taking a sigh of relief, my eyes were suddenly affixed upon an middle-aged gentleman about four to five feet away from me in an electric wheelchair hellbent on taking me out. That gentleman was you, sir. Not only did you run directly into me, but I consequently fell directly onto you, and then off your wheelchair, and then onto the ground.

Now, what for lack of better words “pisses me the f*ck off” is the fact that you threw up your hands like you were just attacked by a pack of rabid penguins. What “pisses me the f*ck off” even more is the fact that all the on-lookers immediately ran to your side to see if you were “okay.” Don’t mind me. It’s all gravy. Getting hit by people in electric wheelchairs is apparently a normally occurring thing in everyday life. Moreover, I get that you are handicapped for whatever reason and need an electric wheelchair to do whatever it is you do, but in my years of living I’ve gathered that by now electric wheelchairs have the ability to stop as well as go.

One more thing. I have a broken toe on my right foot. You managed to not only run over that, but my left foot as well, which now feels like it was just hit by an inconsiderate handicapped guy in an electric wheelchair in front of a Giant in Washington, DC (see what I did there?). Anyway, I am currently working as a day manager and head bartender at a bar/nightclub. This job requires me to constantly be quick on my feet and run up and down stairs daily to make sure things run smoothly. Now pardon my language sir, but how the f*ck am I going to explain to my bosses and fellow employees that I cannot perform up to expectations because I got “hit by a guy in an electric wheelchair.” These kinds of things not only sound made-up, but make me look like a straight up punk b*tch, and I sir, am not a punk b*tch.

I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR GUFF AND DOUCHE-BAGGERY, AND CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL.

Judging by the shape of your legs (literally and figuratively), we cannot engage in a cage fight, and sadly duels to the death are no longer considered “legal.” The only fair compromise is that I buy an electric wheelchair myself and we joust. If you accept these terms, I demand we meet in front of the same Giant at the date of your choosing, preferably at sunrise so I can still make it to work after I f*ck your shit up.

I do not care if I miss rent next month, or my cell phone gets cut off. I will use all the money I make to make this happen in order to make things right in this already sad world. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Consider your couch f*cked,
Ben

P.S. – I hate you.


Demi Moore Phishes Out

Demi Moore loves whip its. Earlier this week, she was hospitalized for becoming “semi-conscious and having seizure-like symptoms,” after doing copious amounts of nitrous-oxide.

Yeah, it’s called phishing out. Big deal. You can go to the lot of The Tabernacle after Widespread Panic tonight and see dozens of wookies phish out.

Apparently, she checked herself into rehab for substance abuse afterwards. That is pretty par for the course  for a 50 year old that is still ripping nitrous.

 



Look at this Couple

You can’t buy this shit in stores people. These two lovebirds hipstamatic’ed their Facebook pic, which totally makes it legit. BYNTT.


Womp Womp

Not only do I have the utmost confidence in our product that we are releasing this spring, but the sunglasses industry has gotten kind of retarded so I’m more confident than ever that our brand will be successful. Jeremy Scott and Linda Farrow produced these fugly sunglasses that are literally dumb as shit. I literally can’t think of any social scene where these would be acceptable. I could see them being awesome for a male nurse at a psyche ward.

The guy that designed these Koo-koo’s nest glasses is named Jeremy Scott and he is the same loser that designed the Teddy Bear Adidas pictured below. Karl Lagerfeld said he could design for his brands, but everything I’ve seen him design would be cooler on Garry Gaga, Lady Gaga’s twin brother. Check out the Teddy Bear Adidas that were made for rapist clowns and the Garry Gaga video with Nick Swardson, both are hilarious.

 

“STOP SELLING THE ECSTASY, RICKY!!!!” -Garry Gaga


Pic of the Day- 4/12/2011

Elton John raging his face off.


Hipster Shit I Want Vol. I

Yves Saint Laurent Crocodile Skin Chukkas… Ultra-luxury hipster swag. Shwing.

Outside Lands Festival. Phish, Deadmau5, Arcade Fyerrrrr, Black Keys, The Roots, STS9, GT, Big Boi, Muse, MGMT, Toro y Moi, Best Coast, and a bunch of other hipstamatic bands and artists all at Golden Gate Park in San Fran… Aug 12-14… I’ll be there yachting it up and weaving my way into the fibers of the hipster elite.

Original Nate Frizzell piece. I tried to book this guy for an art show in Atlanta but his agent said that his weekends were booked solid in 2010… obvi means he’s all the rage with the skinny-pant-wearing-Pabst-drinking crowd in Brooklyn.

Mishka x Wavves snapback. Mishka NYC, based out of Brooklyn, teamed up with noise pop band, Wavves, out of San Diego to create this incredible headwear. Adorned with a marijuana leaf in one of my favorite colors, this hat is a must have for me. They only made a handful of these for online and retail purchase, the rest were reserved for the merch booth at Wavves shows… how fuckin hipster is that?

This hat is going for like $200 on e-Bay so I tried to get a beautiful female companion to go to the Mishka store and try and flirt her way into getting me one, but then she realized she was in Brooklyn and ran for the first train to Manhattan. Models… can’t live with them, can’t live without them.


Garcia Strikes Again

Sick tat

Starting quarterback, Stephen Garcia has been suspended from the University of South Carolina football team, again. Apparently, it’s so bad that Coach Steve Spurrier won’t even comment on it, and the Athletic Director had to make a statement.

This is the second time since the 2010 regular season that Garcia has been reprimanded for his behavior. The last time he was suspended it was because he was found blackout in his hotel room the night before the Chick-Fil-A bowl game, with five girls, two of which were naked. If that story is true then I’m officially a Stephen Garcia fan and Go Gamecocks.


Clip of the Day- 4/6/2011


Not the momma!


Pic of the Day- 4/6/2011

Convicted sports fixer Richie “The Fixer” Perry and three members of the UNLV 1990 NCAA Championship team…


Winning in Atlanta

So, since you already have a dope 4/20 show to attend at King Plow… Follow that up with Charlie Sheen at The Fox Theatre on April 21st. You will hear his side of the story, in case you didn’t already in one of his 862 interviews, in a show called Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.

This should be nothing short of ridiculous.


Clip of the Day- 4/5/2011

Thanks, bro


That a Boy

Veteran NFL linebacker Mike Vrabel was arrested at a casino in Indiana for stealing airplane bottles of liquor from behind a deli counter and not paying for them… Ummm, so? The man obviously can afford some airplane bottles but just totally didn’t feel like asking for them. I get it. Put it on the man’s tab and move on you losers.


Pic of the Day- 4/5/2011

The Tree That Owns Itself- Athens, Georgia

Yes, that is the Blue House in the background. No, I don’t still live there.

 


Clip of the Day- 4/4/2011

My Dad totally owns a dealership.


Pic of the Day- 4/4/2011

#youmad


4Twenty Fest at King Plow

 

Outchea! 4Twenty Arts & Music Festival at King Plow Arts Center is coming, well, on 4/20… Shout out to Wolfdog & ABV for the swagged out artwork.

King Plow Arts Center, Pryourity Clothing, and Fadia Kader announce the 1st Annual 4Twenty Art & Music Fest at King Plow Arts Center on Wednesday, April 20th, 2011. This event is an infusion of live art and music, featuring incredible visual artists painting live while your favorite musicians rock the stage in a unique, historic venue. Cyhi Da Prynce headlines the group of musicians and he will be joined by Pill, Laws, The Mad Violinist, Priceless the Kid, The Starting 5, DJ Dibiase, and other surprise guests to be named later. Greg Mike and the ABV Collective team of artists will be doing live paintings that will be available for purchase online after the event at http://www.abvatl.com.

Cyhi Da Prynce of Def Jam/Kanye's G.O.O.D Music

Cyhi Da Prynce, part of Kanye West’s G.O.O.D Music Group and Konvict/Def Jam records, will be performing  new and old material that has earned him a reputation as one of the best lyricists in the game and the recent cover of XXL magazine “2011 Freshman of the Year” Edition. The Building/Atlantic records (Kane Beatz) producer and artist, Ashanti “The Mad Violinist” will be sharing the stage with Cyhi for what is sure to be a memorable performance. The other major artists that will hit the stage include Maybach Music recording artist and Atlanta native, Pill, and J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League artist Laws. Atlanta’s favorite DJ, Dibiase, will be spinning throughout the night. Pilot Music’s The Starting 5, Priceless the Kid, Define Jones, Dinero Ferrar, and many other local musicians will kick the live music off right. Don’t sleep on this event because there are sure to be plenty of surprise guests.

ABV Creative Agency and Art Gallery and their team of artists will be putting their talents to use on three huge 8’x8’ panels. Formally trained studio and renowned street artist, Greg Mike, will be leading the ABV team consisting of Wolfdog, Ash Lethal, and other local artists. The artwork created at the event will be for sale online after the event at www.abvatl.com.

Greg Mike doing work at ABV


Baby Marijuana Costume

Hahahahaha…

This item is real and you can buy it for your baby for only $29.99 here.

Shout out to Travi$ Hodge for this gem.


Clip of the Day 3/31

Yaaaaa mid-nineties swag. Amy want raindrop drink.

For all of you that don’t know about Dr. Karen Ross, Dr. Peter Elliott, Herkermer Homolka, or Amy the Gorilla, go watch this movie. It will change your life.


Remix of the Week

Check out this remix of “Power” by Kanye West. This one comes from my homie Paper Diamond out of Boulder, Colorado and you can feel that Colorado electro-dub swag in this track. Paper Diamond is signed to world-renowned Pretty Lights Music and definitely one to catch live at Coachella.

Download the track here or watch a low-quality live video from The Tabernacle in Atlanta below…

Shout out to the entire Elm & Oak team (swag)…

 


Fat Kids

What’s funnier than a fat kid falling? A mexican fat kid falling. There’s just something so sinister and hilarious about the language barrier…


Nike Dunk SB “Cheech & Chong” 420 Release

Representing the headbands of Tommy Chong and “Cheech” Marin, the Nike Dunk SB “Cheech & Chong” is the newest stoner themed SB to hit the shelves on 4/20. To the naked eye, I would say these shoes are fugly considering the copious amounts of white canvas, and we all know that white shoes are for Mexican’s.

Wait, but Nike Skateboarding actually threw a curveball with these bad boys. The white material covering the shoe is a “tearaway” canvas that cloaks a green suede underneath, only revealed when scuffed or torn. Heady! Here’s a closeup teaser pic of the canvas torn away to reveal the green suede…

Below is a picture of last years 4/20 release.

Much bigger fan of last years “Skunk Dunks”, complete with a stash pocket for hiding your nugs, brah.