Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “Atlanta

Womp Womp

Not only do I have the utmost confidence in our product that we are releasing this spring, but the sunglasses industry has gotten kind of retarded so I’m more confident than ever that our brand will be successful. Jeremy Scott and Linda Farrow produced these fugly sunglasses that are literally dumb as shit. I literally can’t think of any social scene where these would be acceptable. I could see them being awesome for a male nurse at a psyche ward.

The guy that designed these Koo-koo’s nest glasses is named Jeremy Scott and he is the same loser that designed the Teddy Bear Adidas pictured below. Karl Lagerfeld said he could design for his brands, but everything I’ve seen him design would be cooler on Garry Gaga, Lady Gaga’s twin brother. Check out the Teddy Bear Adidas that were made for rapist clowns and the Garry Gaga video with Nick Swardson, both are hilarious.

 

“STOP SELLING THE ECSTASY, RICKY!!!!” -Garry Gaga


Garcia Strikes Again

Sick tat

Starting quarterback, Stephen Garcia has been suspended from the University of South Carolina football team, again. Apparently, it’s so bad that Coach Steve Spurrier won’t even comment on it, and the Athletic Director had to make a statement.

This is the second time since the 2010 regular season that Garcia has been reprimanded for his behavior. The last time he was suspended it was because he was found blackout in his hotel room the night before the Chick-Fil-A bowl game, with five girls, two of which were naked. If that story is true then I’m officially a Stephen Garcia fan and Go Gamecocks.


Clip of the Day- 4/6/2011


Not the momma!


Winning in Atlanta

So, since you already have a dope 4/20 show to attend at King Plow… Follow that up with Charlie Sheen at The Fox Theatre on April 21st. You will hear his side of the story, in case you didn’t already in one of his 862 interviews, in a show called Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.

This should be nothing short of ridiculous.


Clip of the Day- 4/5/2011

Thanks, bro


That a Boy

Veteran NFL linebacker Mike Vrabel was arrested at a casino in Indiana for stealing airplane bottles of liquor from behind a deli counter and not paying for them… Ummm, so? The man obviously can afford some airplane bottles but just totally didn’t feel like asking for them. I get it. Put it on the man’s tab and move on you losers.


Pic of the Day- 4/5/2011

The Tree That Owns Itself- Athens, Georgia

Yes, that is the Blue House in the background. No, I don’t still live there.

 


Clip of the Day- 4/4/2011

My Dad totally owns a dealership.


Pic of the Day- 4/4/2011

#youmad


Baby Marijuana Costume

Hahahahaha…

This item is real and you can buy it for your baby for only $29.99 here.

Shout out to Travi$ Hodge for this gem.


Remix of the Week

Check out this remix of “Power” by Kanye West. This one comes from my homie Paper Diamond out of Boulder, Colorado and you can feel that Colorado electro-dub swag in this track. Paper Diamond is signed to world-renowned Pretty Lights Music and definitely one to catch live at Coachella.

Download the track here or watch a low-quality live video from The Tabernacle in Atlanta below…

Shout out to the entire Elm & Oak team (swag)…

 


Fat Kids

What’s funnier than a fat kid falling? A mexican fat kid falling. There’s just something so sinister and hilarious about the language barrier…


Buddy’s Picks

This video is amazing.

I totally lost my shit when that guy just stared into the screen. Shout out to @GregMike for the find.

Is it awesome? This is an old one, yet quite enjoyable.

If you haven’t seen this video, please watch it until it gets old so we can quote it drunk at the bar next time we see each other.

Hammerin’ away like he’s friggin Tommy Noble. No way. Get real. I paid for that floor.


SkyMall FTW

This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.

Air Greg Louganis

Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.

"I tried to give him an HJ, but..."

I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”

Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.

"I hate myself."

I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.

Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.


Coolest Birds Ever

Please stop shitting on us

This story brought Le Don Francois out of retirement, and I write this with a huge grin on my face.

You can’t make this up. Music fans and cool people across the world rejoice as Kings of Leon was forced off stage due to being shit on. Last night, pigeons in the rafters at an amphitheater in St. Louis apparently didn’t like the whiny bitch music they heard and decided to do something about it. They conveyed their dislike for the band by shitting all over them.

The show was canceled after three songs because a pigeon shat in the bassists mouth. According to the band, birds were shitting on them the entire time leading up to the show and they finally pulled the plug after multiple face shots.

Afterwards the drummer Tweeted: “So sorry St. Louis. We had to bail, pigeons sh–ting in Jared’s mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. FULL REFUNDS 4 ALL. SO SORRY. Don’t take it out on Jared, it’s the f–king venue’s fault. You may enjoy being s–t on but we don’t. Sorry for all who traveled many miles.”

Rumor has it, KoL was unhappy about the heat and were discussing cancelling upon arrival. Either way, I can’t imagine a better scenario, unless it involved more shit and more animals, followed by the band announcing their retirement and the government burning every copy of “Sex is on Fire”. Pigeons everywhere, take note.

You can check out my favorite Kings of Leon video below:


PTK x Don Cannon x Diamond Supply Co. present Diamond Life

If you haven’t had a chance to listen & download Priceless the Kid’s “DIAMOND LIFE” presented by Don Cannon and Diamond Supply Co., go ahead and shoot over to PTKmusic.com and catch that free heat. This project is almost completely comprised of original music by a star studded cast of producers. Ashanti “The Mad Violinist” Floyd and Symphony Crack, Kane Beatz, A-1, The Space Kids,  and DJ FU & Nicky Cage of The Weathermen all have a hand in this magical mixtape that makes one have faith that good hip-hop music still exists.

Lucky for you wanksters, not only can you download PTK’s new music for free, but he is raging at King Plow this Friday to celebrate being awesome. He will be playing with his full band, The Symphony Crack Orchestra featuring the multitalented Ashanti Floyd, Chris Morgan, Matt Barrett, and guest percussionist Casey Crogan. DJ Kane Beatz (“Kane on the beat, fuck around leave a n*gga dead on the streeeet.” -Weezy) will be on the 1’s and 2’s. This conglomerate of winners have been featured on major records with artists such as Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, John Legend, Young Jeezy, T-Pain, Jamie Foxx, and Sean Kingston just to name a few. Here’s a sample of what you cannot do and this doesn’t even feature the recently de-mohawked Matt Barrett.

To kick things off, Athens own T8R(TOT) will be womping the Gallery with his own style of dubstep, trip hop, and electronica. Following T8R will be a special instrumental performance by Symphony Crack before Priceless pillages the stage. Once everyone has officially been served by PTK & Symphony Crack, Atlanta’s own DJ MEGAN FOXXX will close things out for a late night set of epic proportions. Megan Foxxx is a producer and engineer for T.I.’s world famous label, Grand Hustle Entertainment and is playing a major hand in the “swag movement” that is taking rap by storm. T.I, Young Jeezy, Justin Timberlake,Young Dro, Yung LA, and Lil Wayne are just some of the artists he’s worked with and his remixes have garnered national attention, especially his remix of Roscoe Dash’s “All the Way Turnt Up”. “Megan Foxxx is for the guys who start dance riots… for the girls that decide it isn’t a question of ‘if’ they’re fucking but ‘whom.'” Sound like fun? Indeed.

This Friday is going to be an amazing night at King Plow. To get tickets, please go HERE and cop your advance golden tickets for $7. I promise this evening will be full of  amazing live music, great vibes, and good company sprinkled with a little bit of absurdity. By the way, $3 New Belgium Brews (Fat Tire, etc.) will be flowing all night for your drinking pleasure.

Go download DIAMOND LIFE and come to King Plow this Friday to hear PTK kill it live. Presented by King Plow, Gallery Group Atlanta, New Belgium Brewing, Kane Beatz & Ashanti Floyd’s “The Building”, and the carnivore known as WOLFDOG.

In the words of DJ Megan Foxxx, “Prepare to get f*cked…and no you cannot spend the night.”


Dad Arrested for Smacking Daughter for Eating Pringles

In true Alabama fashion, a Birmingham man was arrested for child abuse after slapping his two-year-old daughter across the face– for eating his Pringles. The infant girl was taken to the emergency room because of an abrasion and large hand print on her face, which resulted in a phone call to social services. When investigators asked the man about the marks on his daughters face, he plainly confessed to smacking her  because she stopped him once he’d popped. She’s fucking two, and your daughter, you fucking primate.

I mean how much damage can a two year-old do to a stack of barbecue Pringles anyway? Chill out guy. They aren’t even the best flavor. You should be slapped for not buying bacon ranch. Fuck you man, you suck on so many levels.

Granted, people this young, fat, and ugly shouldn’t be given the ability to procreate. They are obviously going to make children that are genetically predisposed to liking junk food. Roll Tide you sick fuck. I hope you get raped in prison and catch the HIV.


Best First Date Ever

Atlanta, being known for its not-so-classy surrounding areas, proves that there truly are perves that will spend whatever it takes to get some ass. For only $3oo, a pilot will take you on a romantic flight where you fly around Atlanta in an airplane and scrump while some alcoholic, ex-Delta pilot sits no less that 5 feet away. Don’t fret, “Mile High Club” pilots are extremely confidential. However, that does not stop them from doing anything else creepy such as watch, video record it, or just listen. I’m sure the clientele doesn’t mind though, because anyone boojie enough to go on this trip is probably named Dusty and drove in from McDonough in a pickup. To make things even creepier, the $300 date includes the sheets that you just had sex in, and a certificate of being an official member of the “Mile High Club”. The sad thing is that’s not a joke.

For all you future sex offenders that thought this sounded awesome, take a peak at the plane you will be riding in. Not exactly a G5, eh? If I tried to take any women that are up to par on a “get-a-away” like this, they would look at me like a garbageman and tell me their Daddies plane is nicer than this thing.

If  you ever have an urge to join the “Mile High Club”, make sure that it’s on a commercial flight where everyone can hear you to confirm you are, in fact, a member. A “commercial” member that earned their stripes through pure talent and boldness, and probably 8 airplane bottles of Absolute. Let’s earn these awards the right way people. This is practically cheating and besides, a low rent $300 dollar trip in a shitty plane is hardly anything to brag about.


Stalking 4 Dummies

In technologies never ending quest of making reality take the back burner to social networking and virtual interaction, it has once again taken a step closer to hand shaking being obsolete, and stalking being that much more mainstream. “Recognzr” is a new iPhone app that lets you take a picture of someones face, hit “recognize”, then the app searches Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace for the person you just sketchily took a picture of.

In my awesome opinion, I think that walking up to someone with an outstretched hand as on offer of introduction is a more conventional and personable method, but what do I know, I don’t kidnap babies. How creepy can one get? How would you go about doing this? Act like your reading an email at eye level of the girl across from you on MARTA and totally play it off like nothing happened when it makes the camera shudder noise?

“Hey you look pretty cool, maybe we can be friends on Facebook, stand there while I take a picture of your face and my phone identifies you and where you live.” What normal girl wouldn’t love that? Seems to me like a device that would be great for a movie like “Hostel”. Eastern European dudes would go crazy for this app.

“Look, Vladimir, check out this great new opplication. Now, we can tell what country a tourist is from, their age, and better valuate their worth when we sell them as sex slaves.”

If this application makes any top 25 lists on iTunes, I’m putting extra locks on my doors. Creeps.


Yacht Week FTW

Cha-ching. I found my calling. This video gave me a semi.

Can you imagine how fucking amazing this trip would be? I can’t imagine anything better than Le Don and crew being on a yacht for a week straight and the only time I’m not baking in the sun or swimming in crystal clear water, I would be raging to some euro DJ with hundreds of girls that don’t speak my language. Honestly? Taking a yacht, that you get to choose, from port city to port city, only to get off and party with good looking, young people from across the globe? That is retardedly awesome and just the prospect of this trip makes me want to fist pump. I imagine by day 3 I would have ditched my friends and would probably wind up on some 100 footer with a group of college-aged Swedish girls who only know how to say “yes” and “that tickles”.

You have 3 choices of European cruising destinations: Ibiza, Greece, or Croatia. You also have a “Spring Break” B-squad option of doing the British Virgin Islands. I would obviously choose the Euro trip because of the accents and diversification of ethnicities, but also because I wouldn’t want to be competing for girls with guys that eat my bodyweight in protein everyday (guidos) in the BVI’s. Of course, you would have to be very stern and diligent in recruiting your deck mates. This part is vital. Obviously, the first rule is you can’t have any of your ugly friends allowed on the boat. That goes without explanation. Second, only bring friends that know how to keep shit a secret. Of course, you do want some stories leaked back to the United States, just to build on your already stellar social resume. But you don’t want Johnny Gossip on the boat with you because in most ridiculous vacays, there may be some not so yachty happenings that you don’t really want to be on the Facebook news feed when you return. Another guideline I’d probably go with is don’t bring any single girl friends on the trip with you. Chances are, on an off night when your getting drunk in a romantic harbor, that you and that single friend on the trip are going to bump uglies. Now this in itself is not a bad thing, but two days later when you’re in Port O’Debauchery banging out a spanish chick named Sophia, old friendo probably won’t appreciate it and might make for some drama for the rest of the voyage. Let’s keep things smooth.

One of your yachty options

All in all, it would cost about $3,000 to do this trip right, which is a bit on the steep side, but this isn’t JV tryouts either. Just picture yourself on the coast of Corfu wearing a sailor’s cap and drinking champagne on the deck of someone else’s yacht, while a group of topless french girls dance to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”. You just can’t put a price tag on that.


Killer Whale Kills. Shocking.

Oh my gosh, a whale with razor sharp teeth, predatory instincts, and a diet consisting of seals, porpoises, and other fish killed a human.

I’m never too shocked when these “tragedies” take place. Case in point, everyone is distraught when one of the gay magicians from Siegfried and Roy face was eaten by a tiger. Granted it was trained, but it was also a TIGER. Not known as the friendliest of beasts and if I were a tiger, I would probably want to murder the guy in queer tights and sequins that kept snapping a whip in my face.

Doesn’t this come with the territory? Isn’t part of the appeal and the trainers skill so intriguing because of the danger? You can’t play with a 12,000 pound whale and completely rule out the possibility of an accident. People wouldn’t pay the price of admission if the trainers were making salmon jump or riding the back of manatees. Media, get over the sensation. I see people get eaten all the time, granted I watch the full “Shark Week” DVD collection at least three times a week, but shit happens.


Feed Your Brain: King Tut Style

Now, I know most of you bitches that are reading this blog are excited about watching a show about a giant group of pathetic, desperate money grubbing females and one gigantic douchelord callled “The Bachelor”. Fret not my intelligent friends, you have other options on television. Starting last night, Discovery delved into it’s two part series “King Tut Unwrapped” which for the first time, the boy King’s DNA is mapped, his family is officially identified and his short life is investigated in detail. Since the groundbreaking discovery of his intact tomb in the Valley of the Dead in 1922, there has been an ever-increasing interest in King Tut, and ancient Egypt in general. Tonight will shed answers on many questions that have plagued scholars for decades.

If you missed the first half of the series, you can watch or record it tonight on Discovery Channel tonight at 6pm. Dr. Zahi Hawass, aka Dr. Egypt is a man who has built his life around egyptology and the mysteries surrounding King Tut and other famous ancient Egyptians. He is leading this study and now has the technology able to answer critical questions in understanding one of the most famous Pharaoh’s of all time. His distinctive voice may annoy the crap out of you, but give it 30 minutes or so and you’ll be picking up his dialect faster than your parents cleaning lady who you still don’t understand after 12 years of mopping and cleaning while you sit around and talk to her as a formality, knowing that you don’t understand one fucking word she is saying. The researchers on this show are genius, and I am certainly amped on finding out who King Tut’s real parents are. You never know, it could be your mom (ohhhhhhhh!).

So set your DVR for 6pm & 8pm tonight and be ready to record 4 hours straight of awesomeness (only 2 if you were able to catch last night). I would probably have a couple of bowl packs ready so you can break it down in installments since it is lengthy, but be ready to find out some shit about little Tut that will make your head spin. Dr. Zahi Hawass and the Discovery team are ready to kick you in the nuts with some serious ancient Egyption knowledge so wear your jock strap.


Slow Your Roll

There’s a new drink that has hit the streets, its purple, its supposed to make you lean (not ripped, lean like not standing straight you fools), and its been known to put people to sleep. No I’m not talking about liquid codeine you screw ups, I’m talking about the new beverage called “Drank”, that is the opposite of an energy drink.

I kept hearing of this drink, “Drank”, from my friend Chip and he knows his shit so when I went by his crib yesterday, I stole a “Drank” on my way out. The can looks like one of those giant energy drinks that you only see fat kids and rednecks slurping out of. Inside, the concoction contains melatonin, Valeria root, and rose hips, all supplements to aid in relaxation and sleep. Despite having these weird ingredients , the drink literally tastes exactly like grape soda and if you don’t like grape soda then you probably kill baby seals.

It's MY cup

So, on Sunday night I decided to try “Drank” and how see how I felt. The taste of the drink was almost as good as sex, but not quite. I must say, I did feel very relaxed and ready for a good nights sleep despite having the Sunday night blues after a long weekend. I wouldn’t say that I was on the same level of real liquid codeine and babbling like Lil Wayne, but I definitely felt loose and my eyes got more tired.

Fast Forward to this Morning: After drinking a “Drank”, I woke up on my couch after falling asleep to the Discovery Channel show “Ancient Aliens” (also awesome) and had to relocate my zombie self back into my own bed.

All in all, “Drank” tastes great, makes you relax, want to fall asleep, and is just about as close to liquid codeine as your hand getting slapped away from a bottle when your mom catches you trying to take it from the medicine cabinet. It certainly won’t do the trick if you are sick or have some serious anxiety problems, but for a night cap, “Drank” will do just fine.

In the meantime, grab yourself a can and tell me what you think and whether it works for you. I can’t wait til it catches on. Just imagine a bar full of people ordereing “Drank n Vodkas” all sitting around and drooling on themselves. Ha. Great mental image.


Dressing Gay and Gettin Laid

An ode to being able to dress as ridiculous as one wants, and still being able to pull girls. It’s almost as good as my upcoming debut rap song called “She’s Like Chick-fil-A on Sunday”. Don’t get any ideas haters, the song already features Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, and Lil Wayne so don’t try to cramp my cool with a knockoff– it won’t touch it.

People from Athens are eskimo brothers with kids from Boulder, Colorado. Both love to get down, are smarter than the average bear, are heady as shit, and spend their parents money like a trust fund baby on a coke binge.

You’re welcome for this video. Apparently, these kids slang ecstasy up in Boulder and make hilarious music videos with the proceeds of their “hobby”. Hence, their group name “The Connects”.

Based off of the fly Alife gear sprinkled throughout the video, the dance scene on the roof in front of the Fox Theatre (Boulder’s staple theatre similar to the Ga Theatre), the use of the word “boujie” followed by knock-off Coogi, and the sheer number of good looking girls in this school project video, I think it’s safe to say these guys get it.

“No f*cking clue how I’m getting these honey’s, looking like a f*cking zoo in my zebra onezie.” Genius.