This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
Check out the black leather vest in the back row. If that doesn’t define business time, I don’t know what does.
What do the Doobie Brothers, Bad Company, sailors caps, and Chastain Park equal? A yuppie yachty good time is what it smells like. You smell it? F yea you do.
Take a good look at Bad Company and tell me you don’t want to go back in time and take notes on how they managed to bag so much tail. If you look at this picture, you should automatically think of one of three things: yachts, drugs, or sex. Anything else that comes to mind is poo and you are most certainly not yachty.
By the way, if any of you females like good music and don’t have tickets to Bad Company and Doobie Brothers, let me know. The drummer of Bad Company is a friend and is looking for a female to hang out with backstage after their set. If you understand what this means and have a thing for old bad asses with funky hair, hit me on the hip and I’ll get you where you need to be. Ow ow. Go get em.
It’s the weekend, let’s go make some bad decisions.