This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
Atlanta, being known for its not-so-classy surrounding areas, proves that there truly are perves that will spend whatever it takes to get some ass. For only $3oo, a pilot will take you on a romantic flight where you fly around Atlanta in an airplane and scrump while some alcoholic, ex-Delta pilot sits no less that 5 feet away. Don’t fret, “Mile High Club” pilots are extremely confidential. However, that does not stop them from doing anything else creepy such as watch, video record it, or just listen. I’m sure the clientele doesn’t mind though, because anyone boojie enough to go on this trip is probably named Dusty and drove in from McDonough in a pickup. To make things even creepier, the $300 date includes the sheets that you just had sex in, and a certificate of being an official member of the “Mile High Club”. The sad thing is that’s not a joke.
For all you future sex offenders that thought this sounded awesome, take a peak at the plane you will be riding in. Not exactly a G5, eh? If I tried to take any women that are up to par on a “get-a-away” like this, they would look at me like a garbageman and tell me their Daddies plane is nicer than this thing.
If you ever have an urge to join the “Mile High Club”, make sure that it’s on a commercial flight where everyone can hear you to confirm you are, in fact, a member. A “commercial” member that earned their stripes through pure talent and boldness, and probably 8 airplane bottles of Absolute. Let’s earn these awards the right way people. This is practically cheating and besides, a low rent $300 dollar trip in a shitty plane is hardly anything to brag about.