Not the momma!
My Dad totally owns a dealership.
Yaaaaa mid-nineties swag. Amy want raindrop drink.
For all of you that don’t know about Dr. Karen Ross, Dr. Peter Elliott, Herkermer Homolka, or Amy the Gorilla, go watch this movie. It will change your life.
This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
As the holiday season approaches, the weather getting colder serves as a reminder to gear up on the freshy fresh that will last you from November to March. I always like winter time because it gives one the chance to get kitted out from head to toe. Don’t get me wrong– I love the summer-time steez of rocking tee’s or sportshirts with shorts and matching sneaks, but winter is the time to take that shit to the next level, ése. Tweed, houndstooth, suede, cashmere, wool, and neutrals combined with nontraditional colors is the Looker T. Washington this winter. Jackets, vests, sweaters, hoodies with bomb tee’s or dress shirts from the waist up, cords or jeans with shoes to match the shirt from the waist down, and some sort of head covering mechanism to finish the fuckin drill. What I’m going to do next is drop some knowledge on you suckas about shoes that are being released this month. Take a seat by the fire and let Le Don show you how to keep those Christmas socks covered in something fresh.
BAM, just like that you got some heaterbockles that everyone can appreciate. Asics are underrated in my awesome opinion and these are super serial and a quality addition to any closet. These Asics GT-II Tweed Packs have the old-school Fratty McFratterson appeal, while keeping the colorway variance dope enough to catch someones eye, without being too much. These kicks are as versatile as you want them to be. Dress them up with a button-down and cord blazer, or dress them down with a hoodie and a Bill Crispy tee. Either way, these are heaters have just enough “umph” to put some bourbon in your nog.
Fuck your Dad’s boat shoes and your frat bros Wallabee’s. Get emo on some folk and drop the Vans Chukka on that ass to let them know you’re not a number. These neutrals will kill in any setting. I’d even consider taking these on the feet to church on Christmas Eve with a heady holiday sweater and a mustache. Get on these steezers and remix your traditional footwear with something new. Classic appeal FTMFW.
Cop these bad boys if you like a hot sauce on your collard greens. Nike SB is cracking down on the wackness that had been plaguing most of their 2009 droppings and finishing off the year right with their November and December releases. These Nike SB Dunk Low “UnHemps” look like a sex baby between the Dunk SB “Hunters” and the Dunk SB “Hemps”. The mellow tone of the hemp combined with the “don’t-shoot-me-i’m-hunting” orange make one rad shoe for the sneaker enthusiast. Definitely not as versatile as the others on this list, but are an absolute smash if you want to turn some heads. I don’t know about you, but I always walk a little easier knowing that I have industrial grade marijuana on my feet.
Come correct to your next black tie event or holiday party with a classy pair of evening slippers to go along with your cocaine and caviar. A great friend of mine in Miami, Florida started this company, Del Toro Shoes, with Stubbs & Wooton in mind, but offers his high quality shoes at about 1/4th of the price. Easy to dress down to casual with jeans and a blazer, these slippers are more versatile than one might think. Offering dozens of emroidered designs and customizable options, you can add your own touch to any pair of Del Toro’s. Raise your pinky when you drink that Champagne and get yachty this New Year’s Eve with this timeless style that is rarely seen in the South.
Spaulding, take your foot off the boat.
I always love going to parties, raves, concerts, and puppet shows where there are photo booths to get ridiculous in. Nothing like capturing the moment, eh? You know what else I love? Looking at random photo albums on Facebook from parties that I never attended or heard of. Some call it creepy, some call it inquisitive, I call it hilarious. All the following people came to party, but ended up getting ripped on by some random kids blog.
This guy is stuck at the nexus of Mortal Kombat and ecstasy. Not only does he look like a raging douche, but he also epitomizes how skewed one’s percepion of “cool” is while on drugas. This rookie rolled to the party solo. That is a Men’s Warehouse guarantee.
This pack of lesbos keeps it real. The girl in the middle is essentially an all-star. She came to party and she didn’t over do it with rookie antics like glowsticks or some hardass face like her linebacker friend to the left. She painted herself to look like a robot, then, she wrote “Fucking Machine” on her shirt. Point taken. Rage.
My gosh I’m scared of the girl on the left.
This fangbanger just got done reading the last of Twilight series and saw some humans to prowl on. When he’s not working at Hot Topic, he enjoys being the person everyone looks at during a party and wonders what the hell they’re doing there without a cape and a fake sword. This guy definitely dabbles in Dagorhir.
Look at this crew, they just rolled up to the party in a lifted Dodge Ram. These guys are killing it. Homie up front did drugs for the first time and decided it was worthy enough to break out his little hippie brothers tie dye shirt. Redneck Jim in the back left broke even out his hemp necklace. These guys drove all the way from Dawsonville to rage. Props to Sigma Wexicon.
Say hello to the drug dealer at the party. Tip to the custies, the bookbags these guys carry at concerts aren’t filled with overnight clothes and a toothbrush. If they are wearing a grill and a chain, you can put your life savings on the fact that this guy has a bag full of felonies. Props on the grill, that thing probably gets you laid on the reg.
Nice flair, dog. Besides working at Flingers, this guy listens to electronica while not shaving. Apparently, he’s so emo that it’s not even gay when he hooks up with dudes.
Until next time, have a weekend worth writing about and avoid being a douche on camera.