Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “donfrancois

I Think This Guy Is “That Guy”

Besides having two left feet and a strut as smooth as Frankenstein, I’m pretty sure this guy likes to party. I know it’s always a doozie when you see a video is ten minutes long, but believe me, you don’t want to miss this unicorn of a YouTube video. Rob Zombie looks like he decided to chug a handle of Kentucky Gold, pop some mescaline, and eat twelve xanax bars before deciding to make a morning trip to the convenience store for some much needed Budweiser. Either that, or he’s made out of jello.

The extent of this guys drunkenness is fucking amazing. I wish I was there to buy him that Bud Heavy and see where it takes him.

Here’s an abbreviated list of things I wish I could see this guy perform following his trip to the gas station:

  • Ride a bicycle
  • Play on a moonwalk
  • Enter a limbo competition
  • Run with the bulls in Pamplona
  • Shave
  • Win a game of jenga
  • Eat a meal with a fork
  • Spell his name
  • Do the stanky leg

Old People FTW

“Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.”

Old people are awesome. They are like children, but old. Plagued with innocence and armed with the reaction speed of a turtle, these senior citizens exemplify why all of society feels sorry for them.

Don’t get me started on the choir leader. That guy is a fucking cartoon character and should be tarred and feathered for this Borat-worthy performance.

If these old people knew the meaning of the words they were singing, they would probably implode.


Random Awesomenicity

I'll fiiiiind youuu

I'll fiiiiind youuu

Beeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnns! We all missed you and hope you didn’t subsequently die of an overdose after this picture was taken. I’m pretty surprised to see Beans with a female. I was under the impression that this guy mated with grizzly bears but apparently he dabbles with retarded girls, too. Look at her face, there is no way she doesn’t have a lisp and speak with a deaf persons voice.

I’m not even sure what to say about the red shit.

Howdy

Howdy

This picture is awesome. If I could have this pic blown up to at least 24″x36”, it would be hanging on the wall in my place. How can you not love a pregnant redneck woman holding a watermelon and a glock. Crazy white girl isn’t even smiling, which means she’s serious, which is scary.  

“Dadgummit, I knew we were supposed to get our glamour shots taken today for our Daughters of the American Revolution scrap book, but I lef all ma props at the house.  All I had in ma truck was a big ‘ol watermelon and this here pistol.”

Rape

Rape

Everyone say hello to Pizza the Clown. This picture straight up gives me a bad feeling. It’s like a creepy version of a picture that you’d see on the wall at Chili’s. Who the fuck becomes a clown anyways? It’s definitely the creepiest of all professions. You dress up like a fag, you name yourself something ridiculously stupid, and your job is to be with kids all day. Sketchy. I don’t know about you guys, but  I’ve always hated clowns with a passion. Talentless hobos, all they have to do is sit there and look stupid. My dog can do that. I would feel a lot safer if a dog were around my kids instead of this fucking douche with a testicle as a nose.

If you watch this clip from “Hot Rod” and don’t laugh, then you probably are about as much fun as a quadriplegic at a dance party.


How Can You Not Miss the Eighties?

You probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes.

This is straight up awesome. I want to do a play by play and rip on every comment from this video, but then this blog would be longer than my… nevermind. It’s Monday morning and I’m sure that some of you are still hung over from this weekend so just let the video do the talking. This is so much more legit than eHarmony. Enjoy.

“I’m looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who is the godess?” WTF.


I Can Derelict My Own Balls

No hobo

"Hey, can I keep this shirt? No hobo."

I knew I loved this company when they collabed with Etnies and came out with shoes that read “FUCKING AWESOME” across the heel. Then, when they dropped their fall/winter collection lookbook that featured vagabonds as their models, I just about peed myself. This line really is “Fucking Awesome”.

Whats better than having old ass bums as your models? Absolutely nothing. Not only can you pay them with a 40 oz. or some crack rock, but they make the photographer look like Estevan Oriol. I mean look at these dudes. These guys look like they are coming out of a 14 month blackout and they are making modeling look easy. The first guy has no idea what the hell is going on,  staring at the photographer like “Who the fuck are you and where the hell is my dadgum shopping cart? I got sardines in there.”  

Holdin my d like a pimp

Holdin my d like a pimp

Bahahaha. Come on. Really? This one is the essence of humor. A bitter-beer faced, old black man rocking a shirt that reads “Fucking Awesome”, and staring off to the distance like a supermodel, while itching his crotch like a crack head. It honestly doesn’t get more clever than that. I bet the guys that started this line are cool as shit and got these bums all boozed up and introduced them to a bunch of pretty ladies afterwards. Think about that awkward interaction. I mean that is exactly what I would do if I were them. Can you imagine these guys wandering around the launch party aimlessly, staring off into space and mumbling shit under their breath? I don’t know about you guys, but I think thats a mental image worth making a reality.

Yeah, so what

"Yeah, so what"

“I got this gay shirt on with some alien on it and these crazy ass fags are taking pictures of me.”

This guy is an exemplary bum. He looks like one of the grumpy, pissed off homeless guys that just yells shit at you when you walk by.  He’s even giving the photographer the “What the fuck are you looking at?” face. Completely awesome. They probably had to do some Crocodile Hunter type shit to get this guy into the studio. “Crikey, this guys a fiesty one. Lets use the tranquiliza dawt and shoot him right in the neck and get him to calm down niiiice n easy before we transport this beauty.” I’m pretty sure they risked their lives bringing this guy in.

Etnies X Fucking Awesome

Etnies X Fucking Awesome

Not only do people have the audacity to rock shirts that explicitly display four letter words, but there’s also that same market for footwear. I almost bought these guys, then I remembered that I have parents, and my parents wouldn’t think these are fucking awesome. It’s one thing to say it every other word on your blog that is written by an alias, but it’s a totally different beast walking around with shoes that literally scream “Fucking Awesome”. My Mom would literally wash my mouth out with soap for wearing these, which is kind of rad if you think about it. I can totally see some punk 15 year old hipster kid rolling into his parents house with these bad boys on thinking how cool he was. Then, subsequently crashing back to reality once his mom throws these things away faster than his dime bag of shwag he left in the dirty laundry.

Props, “Fucking Awesome”. You had the balls to release a clothing line that is named after a phrase you dropped after watching Shark Week. I don’t think you’ll be moving your offices to Madison Avenue anytime soon, but I commend you for launching shirts that are so hipster, that even the gnarliest of mustache sporting, skinny jean wearing, pseudo-intellects can’t even wear them.


Awesome Weddings and Fucked Up Pranks

That's about right

That's about right

Hey good looking American’s. Another yachty weekend is in the books and my gosh was it a doozie. I’d like to thank a lot of people, but most of all, I’d like to thank my friends Ryan and Kerry for falling in love and having a wedding so we could turn Chateau Elan into a jungle gym.

The weekend started out great. We did the whole “Let’s go out for a beer or two on Friday, wake-up early and make an early tee time.” That never works.

Once the good times start goin, we said “F the tee time”, and the next thing I know I’m waking up on my buddies couch with a crick in my neck and a mouth dryer than Lake Lanier circa 2007. Fast forward to 3:30pm and we’re arriving at Chateau Elan, barely missing our 10am tee time. After taking our time and drinking a few cold beers, we were ready for a fantastic night of drinks and dancing with old friends… and their Moms (ow ow).

I walk into the wedding ceremony smoother than Bill Clinton at a single mothers fundraiser. Everyone is all smiles and enjoying the old friends and faces that we haven’t seen since high school. Right after being seated, I get a phone call from a randar number. The person on the other line sounds like a female crying, and I’m thinking to myself this can’t be good. She claims that she is my ex-girlfriend and that she had something very important to tell me. I step out of the room and the girl on the other line that sounded like recycled death tells me that she is pregnant. As you can imagine, my face turned white and my jaw smacked the floor. I apologized repeatedly as I racked my brain wondering how the hell this happened. I assured her that I was willing to do anything to help and told her I called her back immediately following the wedding.

I got back to my seat and told two of my best friends the most devastating news of my life. My anxiety is higher than Jack’s beanstalk and I’m sweating like Chris Farley on a 3 day bender. I was contemplating how f*cked my life is and how the hell this happened because I hadn’t been “talking” to her recently. I then get a text from a certain asshole named Matty Barnwell reading, “Call me now. It’s bad. Everyone knows.” As you can imagine, my anxiety jumped ten fold to the point where I was shaking and about to puke in the middle of a wedding ceremony. FML.

After the “I do’s”, I run outside the room and call the dickhead back that had texted me. He answers and says, “You got punked.” WTF!

I don’t know who the fuck raised this kid, or whether or not they even showed him where “the line” was, but he most definitely crossed it. I wanted to be mad, but I was so damn relieved all I could do is laugh and feel the sensation of my anxiety come falling back down as if I had eaten 13 zanzibars. Honestly, those ten minutes seem like an eternity and probably the worst sixth of a hour I’ve ever experienced. Fuck you Mat, that may have been funny in your fucked up little brain, but I was pregnant for 10 minutes and I didn’t like it. Kudos for the planning though, you knew when the wedding started and where I was at the time. Bad choice of subject matter.

Mat "I graduated from college but still went on spring break" Barnwell looking really really good

Mat "I graduated from college but still went on spring break" Barnwell

The rest of the night was a reward. We went on to the reception where the yachtiest band in the world was playing. Yacht Rock was there to keep the wedding A-squad, and boy did they keep things smooth. Everyone was dancing like madmen with class, and I managed to drop about 6 Crown and gingers on the dance floor, which always means things are going well. Shout out to Chateau Elan staff for swiftly cleaning up the glass everytime. No one was phased though, they just kept on dancing like they were born to do. It was just like the closing scene of “Slumdog Millionaire”, minus the Indians and the choreography.

Post-reception, the wheels really started turning. The bride and groom sped away in their “Just Married” golf cart, with soup cans following closely behind. My genius self, and one of my most esteemed high school friends, decided it would be totally legit to steal the golf cart. We managed to high-jack the vessel and boy was that a good decision. We ripped up the Chateau like Lindsay Lohan at a table piled with cocaine. We were giving joy rides and we managed to get the golf car on two wheels multiple times. All the while the cans were jingling and the Chateau staff was chasing. I even managed to throw off one of my friends that I really don’t even like that much. WIN!

We marched on to Paddy’s Pub where Jager bombs and freshman year of college antics ensued. We all thought it would be a great idea to go nuts– and we did. One friend of mine puked all over himself and his beautiful girlfriend. She was about as glossy eyed as Latrell Sprewell and was letting us all know that he’s ok “because she’s a nurse”. One friend got escorted home in a wheel chair. Another one of my good buddies even broke his nose, compliments of Don Francois himself.  I would go into detail, but all you need to know is that it was in good fun, and that the littlest of paps in the nose can break it. We then put a night cap on the evening by ordering room service– to the lobby. It was like a scene off of Planet Earth where a pack of lions are tearing into a wildabeast carcass, except for it was a group of young men in their twenties hovered around an appetizer sampler. Classay.

I think a text from my friend, whose nose now resembles Owen Wilson’s, sums up this past weekend. It read, “I woke up in my car, I pissed myself, and I have a broken nose…. but I had a great time.” That a boy, way to keep shit positive.

Weekends are for winners, and we won. If you take away anything from this pointless story, I think one might benefit from learning how to pull a prank that is appropriate. Pranks about death, suicide, pregnant ex’s, or rape are probably crossing the line, so prank accordingly.


You Gotta Sell It First

Say "cheese"

Say "cheese"

This guy has managed to actually be more stupid than he looks. I saw an article about this dude in a stall in Florida when I was down there last weekend and I knew it was blogworthy.

This dumb fucker must be one of the stupidest people on Earth. Two weeks ago in Tallahassee, Florida, this man genius went to the drive-thru teller and deposited $200 cash, a deposit slip, a bag of weed, and a small bag of cocaine into the bank. WTF? Are you kidding? This dude must have been whacked out of his brain or just literally the dumbest person to ever drive a car. Honestly, how fucking stupid can you be to put that shit in the canister, look at it, not think anything of it, and then shoot it over to the bank teller?

The teller tipped off the local police that a fucktard driving a white SUV had deposited a misdemeanor and a felony. The really smart guy realized what he had done and went BACK thru the teller line to get back his ganja and nose candy. Much to his surprise, the police were waiting there for him. When asked about it he replied, “If you said that I did it, then I did it.” 

Way to play your cards there home slice.

I pray this guy doesn’t have kids.


Sexy People– Second Best Blog Ever

Some of the best things in life are free… Take my blog for example, or another fucking awesome blog simply titled “Sexy People”.

Glamour shots galore of people who are just unfortunate looking? WIN.

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“Why yes, I did live in the dorms all four years and no, my RA never found out that I had my kitty, George Michael, in there with me. Take THAT Georgia Tech housing department!”

I bet that cat is  furious that he’s stuck in some sweater that smells like Cheez-Wiz.

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Wooooah. Look at this little fucktard. I wonder how she turned out?

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Nothing like jean shorts over neon spandex shorts. This kid definitely drove a Mustang convertible and spit on nerds without trust funds on the weekends.

 

blog45

This guy isn’t even that weird looking, I just want to know his name. Mother fucker sold me some fake roofies.

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I want that cardigan. Seriously, that thing is Gucci Mane fresh. Other than that, please refrain from putting all of your weight against that tree, Lady. I’m not saying it will tip over, but you never know.  

blog41Yessssss. I was googling myself for hours and finally found a picture from my glory days.  That headband/sunglasses combo will be revisited this fall on Gamedays.

For the source of these pictures, and more that will make you feel better about yourself, go HERE.

Remember, it’s not fun if it’s not at somebody else’s expense.


Video Game Freakout Part Deux

Little kids should be the blunt of more jokes.

To follow up yesterdays video of a freakout over a video game, here’s a little retard that is more around the age where freakouts over Gameboys are more acceptable. This kid gets PISSED, but hey, at least he has his seatbelt on.

Also, does anyone else think its fucked up that this video was taken from the front seat? If it’s his parents, that’s fucking great. Expose your pychotic child to the world for a five star Youtube video. Yessssss.


This Yachty Weekend: Bad Company & Doobie Brothers @ Chastain

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Check out the black leather vest in the back row. If that doesn’t define business time, I don’t know what does.

What do the Doobie Brothers, Bad Company, sailors caps, and Chastain Park equal? A yuppie yachty good time is what it smells like. You smell it? F yea you do. blog28

Take a good look at Bad Company and tell me you don’t want to go back in time and take notes on how they managed to bag so much tail. If you look at this picture, you should automatically think of one of three things: yachts, drugs, or sex. Anything else that comes to mind is poo and you are most certainly not yachty.

By the way, if any of you females like good music and don’t have tickets to Bad Company and Doobie Brothers, let me know. The drummer of Bad Company is a friend and is looking for a female to hang out with backstage after their set. If you understand what this means and have a thing for old bad asses with funky hair, hit me on the hip and I’ll get you where you need to be. Ow ow. Go get em.

It’s the weekend, let’s go make some bad decisions.


RIP Georgia Theatre… Athens Won’t Be the Same Without You

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It’s a sad day for music lovers in Athens, Georgia and to anyone that’s ever had the pleasure of going to a show at the historic Georgia Theater. Early this morning, around 7am, a fire began that eventually led to the collapse of the building located in the heart of downtown Athens. Widespread Panic, R.E.M, and the B-52’s are three world-famous bands that graced the stage of the Georgia Theater during its reign over downtown Athens and helped mold the venue into a music landmark. I can’t help but be extremely disheartened when I think of all the experiences that I had in that building.

Some of my fondest memories of my four and a half years at the University of Georgia took place in the storied Georgia Theatre. Affectionately known among my friends and I as “The GATH” or “GATHY”, I had the pleasure of going to shows at the venue weekly throughout my tenure at UGA. I can’ t count the amount of friends I made at that place, the times I had with them, and the years that we took off our life while raging there. Everytime I walked in that joint, I could count on having a great time with the people that I came with, and the people that I knew I was going to run into when I got there. Even on Gamedays (yes, it’s capitalized), I would always love going into the Theatre whenever we stepped out of the game early and start boozing with Swamp, Wilmot, and the other friendly faces that were staples of the Georgia Theatre.  I have been back on multiple occasions to relive the glory days and check out some music since I’ve been in the “real world”, and the Theatre certainly hadn’t lost it’s zing. Not only did I nearly have a nostalgia attack just from walking back into the place, but also at the sheer number of familiar faces I saw after being displaced from Athens for nearly two years.

It was a fixture of Athens and my best friends and I spent countless nights tripping our faces off to some of the best bands around. Musicians and fans alike had a strong affinity for the venue and it was evident by the amount of bands that repeatedly came back year after year. A lot of great local bands were proud to call the Theatre home. Even world renowned bands loved the GATH and would come back and play there when they could easily sell out much larger venues. Sound Tribe Sector 9, Widespread Panic, String Cheese, Drive By Truckers, Beck, Galactic, The Disco Biscuits, Ween, Perpetual Groove, Lotus, Umphrey’s McGee,  Band of Horses, Girl Talk, and Bone Thugs ‘n Harmony are just some of the many bands that I had the pleasure of witnessing during my tenure in Athens. It really is incredible to think of how many great bands took stage at the corner of Lumpkin and Clayton throughout the years.

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This is truly a sad day. I’ve received countless texts and emails from friends that I shared experiences with at the Georgia Theatre. It really is an odd feeling. A great friend of mine  that I haven’t spoken to in a while sent me a message early this morning. It read, “RIP GA Theatre. Think about all them times me and you raged it in that place. God dang.” Another friend, who is now on the other side of the country said, “Everyone else was out getting blasted in the bars, but we were in the Theatre getting our funk on, and I wouldn’t take back one second of it.” Altough not profound or philosphical statements, it was certainly true. Good times were always to be had in ‘ol Gathy and that’s a maja maja understatement. As sad and dramatic as this sounds at first, I feel like the Georgia Theatre helped influence me into the person I am today.

It’s important to be thankful for all the times we had in the Georgia Theatre. It’s a blessing that it passed away in it’s sleep and that noone was hurt. Let’s hope that the historic landmark is rebuilt and once again is a house of music so newcomers can experience the yachtiness that was the GATH. We shall miss you Gathy, and we hope that you are resurrected and once again open your doors. If you do, I will be there, and I plan on losing a shit ton of brain cells when that day comes.

What was your craziest or fondest memory of the Georgia Theatre? What will you remember most? Feel free to leave comments and this could get pretty entertaining. A benefit for the displaced employees will be put on by my good friends Perpetual Groove at the Classic Center tomorrow at 9pm.

Example Comment: ________ was awesome. I remember when it was me, _______ , _________, and ________ and we ate _______ and did _______. Man, that was _______. Can’t wait til ______ comes to town and we get to ________ again.


Hybrid Done Right: Nike Air Hoop Structure Triax 91

Freshy fresh

Freshy fresh

Call me crazy, but I’d say that these are the best hybrids that Nike has done in a really long time. The original Nike Air Structure Triax that dropped in 1991 made some noise when they were re-released last year, but I have a feeling the new basketball version is going to be a serious must-cop for sneakerheads all over. Keeping with the theme of recycling designs, Nike must have put their best and brightest on this new shoe.  The translucent gum rubber sole, air bubble, and high ankle support immediately draw comparisons to the classic Jordan VI’s. The shoes overall shape and accents are reminiscent of the old school J’s (IMO), but still reflect multiple elements of the original running shoe. 

 The bad news about these kicks is that Nike is dropping them during the wrong season. These are set to release around the holidays later this year and just really don’t look like a winter shoe to me. Can you picture these, loosely laced with a complimenting tee and some shorts? Whoo-whee these scream summa time. Granted, they are dope nonetheless, but like my homie Deolu was saying, “I can either go down to MIA in the winter to rock ’em, or I’d have to keep them on ice until summer rolled around.” Real talk. 

 For all of you impatient fuckers, go cop the running shoes for the summer. You can get them in multiple different colorways and they are easy to find for less than a bill. Until Nike starts dropping some new designs that are actually dope, we’ll have to feast on the leftovers.

Nike Air Structure Triax 91

Nike Air Structure Triax 91--Retro


Mona Lisa Porn?

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For all you perves out there that have seen the Mona Lisa and thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish this bitch was naked”, it’s your lucky day. This painting, that resembles a naked Mona Lisa, resurfaced in Italy after being hidden in the walls of some rich fuckers house for almost a century. There are records that suggest that this painting was done by Da Vinci, and it will undergo scientific artistic investigations to determine whether or not Leo painted those hot b-cups (maybe small C’s). Although the woman isn’t identical to the woman in the Mona Lisa, there are enough parallels in the work to draw the conclusion that this is another variation of Da Vinci’s most famous painting. Props Leo, she looks pretty fire and you did a great job of making the twins appear perky and about the same size.

Apparently, Napoleon’s uncle was a perve and he used to own this painting. The work has since changed hands a few times between sophisticated, high society porno fiends before landing in the Museo Ideale in Da Vinci’s hometown in Italy. The musem director is obviously a huge perve himself and was quoted saying “Our quest for naked Mona Lisas continues.” Eesh, keep that one to yourself you skeez. I want to see plenty of chicas naked but I don’t go releasing public statements about it, especially if they’re dead. That’s just creep.

Pee Wee Herman and Michael Jackson were both rumored to be interested in buying the painting, but quickly backed off when they realized that it wasn’t a nude portrait of a little boy.


This Yachty Weekend- Brew at the Zoo

brewatthezooThis Saturday, Zoo Atlanta is putting on their game face and throwing their second annual “Brew at the Zoo and Wine Too”. What does that entail exactly? How about a Saturday filled with monkeys, pandas, lions (rarrr), beer, reptiles, vino, and some Yacht Rock? In my cocky opinion, I’d say like it sounds like a fucking win.

Starting at 4pm (plenty of time for all you fuck ups to sober up from Friday night), the yachtiest people in Atlanta will start flooding the Atlanta Zoo in Grant Park for a good old drinking fest. Walk in, get your “tasting” mug, and get to sipping.

Terrapin, Sweetwater, and Red Brick are all sponsoring so the quality of the beer is already setting the tone for what is to be a rocking good time (there’s also wine for all you limp-wrists out there).  I don’t know about you, but drinking some 420 while watching Ring-tailed Lemurs frollick in the treetops sounds like history in the making.

The epicness of this event does not stop there, live music will be playing all day long for your listening pleasure. I don’t know who The Brotherland, Kyshona, Stokeswood, or Bailey Player are, but they are playing and it’s been rumored that they are all on the verge of being the best bands in the world.

Although those aforementioned bands haven’t had the pleasure of me listening to their music, I have had the distinct pleasure of seeing Y-O-U and Yacht Rock on multiple occasions. Let me tell you right now, be prepared to get fucked up side the head with awesomeness. Yacht Rock jams out serious AM Gold circa 1973, and they do it right. They oh so smoothly caress your eardrums with sweet music by the likes of Steely Dan, Michael McDonald, Hall and Oates, Captain and Tenille, Toto, and many other yachty musicians. If you haven’t seen Yacht Rock yet and aren’t planning on going to see them tomorrow, then you’re probably a tranny.

Yacht Rock Revue

Yacht Rock Revue

Y-O-U, the brains behind Yacht Rock Revue, are also rocking your face off courtesy of Brew at the Zoo. My good friend and lead singer, Nicholas Niespodziani and his two cohorts, Peter Olson and Mark Cobb, will be playing their original music for all of you animals to enjoy. Y-O-U is an extremely talented group of guys and I have no doubt that everyone will love what they bring to the table. If you are broke, out of town or poor and can’t make it tomorrow, Yacht Rock commits murder every Thursday night at 10 High in the Highlands and the first friday of every month at Andrews Upstairs. Y-O-U will be also be playing at The Earl on the 27th of this month if you’re  interested in some good musica. Here’s a video done by Y-O-U and the beautiful Gina Niespodziani that will give you a taste of their original sound and creative genius (your fuckin right it’s all done with Lite Brite and a camera).

Brew at the Zoo is destined to be a great time for all parties involved, even the animals. Oh, and Buckhead fuckers, this may be your chance to get outside your bumble and have a blast. Just kidding. I love you. But seriously, I’ll see you at Zoo Atlanta for a drunken festy of a good time. If you need me, I’ll be the guys swinging from the trees with a sailors cap on. Ow ow.

 

Seriousl


Womp Womp Nationwide

Ok, Nationwide, I saw this commercial last night and I have to know what the fuck is going on here. I’m all for equal opportunity employment and all that jazz but honestly, why the fuck do you have a mentally retarded man speaking on behalf of your company? I can’t look at this dude and not laugh and you expect this guy will HELP you sell insurance? I wouldn’t trust this guy to sell me crack, or heroine for that matter. 

Picture yourself getting into a car accident, frustrated as shit that some dumbfuck just hit you, and then you have to call THIS GUY. I would rather call Dr. Kevorkian in prison and ask for the quickest method of euthanasia rather than having to deal with this slow-talking, child fondler for an insurance claim. Can you imagine what this guy would say and how many fucking times you’d have to repeat yourself? 

Nationwide, I understand you’re trying to identify with your everyday consumer, but what the fuck? This guy is dumber than Lloyd Christmas and looks like Earthworm Jim. People want experts and professionals handling their crises, not Sloth from The Goonies older brother. Who runs your marketing department? I’m imagining someone that looks more ape than human. I could be wrong, but I don’t think special ed children are the ones buying insurance these days.

You: “Yes, Michael, I’ve been in an accident.”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “Uh oh, someone had a boo boo!”

You: “No, asshole, I’ve been t-boned by a redneck, pig fucker in a Ford F-350 dually and he totaled my car and I need to go to the hospital.”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “Soooo, was there any damage to the vehicle? Do you feel mad? Sometimes I feel mad.

You: “Huh? I said totaled?! Is this a child on the line or an insurance representative?”

Nationwide Lazy-eyed guy: “No, I’m not a child but I do love sunshine and rainbows and popsicles! Do you like popsicles? Think about popsicles and maybe you will feel better.

You: “Alright, you fucking ree ree, I’m switching to Geico.”