Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “fugly

Why-tops?

What the fuck is the deal with shoes that just keep on getting higher? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some tasteful high tops but these kicks are just doo doo.

supra-skytop-2-closer-look-1

In Supra’s never ending quest of making shoes that look like snowboarding boots, they managed to take one more step towards that goal with their upcoming Supra Skytop 2 release. Not only that, but they pulled a wankster move and threw on a boujie attempt at a Jordan 6 tongue that probably hits your knee caps. I’ve never been that down with Supra because they’re not my steez, but I have always respected their original style and somewhat simplistic look. These aren’t simple. They look like the nutty professor took the top of one shoe, the bottom of another, and sewed them together as a freak experiment. For the loss Supra, I am yet to cop a pair of your shoes, and I think that streak shall continue.

24-kilates-reebok-pump-20-02

These guys look like the shoes that Patrick Ewing and Kevin Duckworth HAD to wear  at the end of their NBA careers because they were so tall and clumsy they needed space-age ankle support so their old ass legs didn’t snap. What the fuck are you supposed to wear these with? A Bigfoot costume?

air-jordan-flight-45-hi-01Hahaha these shoes look they were the original Jordan III’s customized for Carmen Diaz’s retard brother in “Something About Mary”. Brand Jordan, you should be ashamed of yourself. It looks like every feature from Jordan I thru XX held a gun to your head and told you that you had to include them on this release.

I want to strap these on my feet and go finger paint.


Cop Bangs Cows

JINDICT03a

This guy enjoys getting his penis slobbed on by cows. Not just any cows, but little baby ones. Say hello to the rightfully suspended police officer named Robert Melia. Stop thinking about how much this guy looks like the owl from the Tootsie Roll “How many licks?” commercials and start thinking about how far you want to stay away from this creep. In 2006, Melia was charged with animal cruelty for sticking his purple headed yogurt slinger into the mouth of FIVE different cows in Burlington County, New Jersey and the charges were just recently dropped. Apparently, bestiality is still legal in New Jowsey. WTF!?

There is something seriously wrong with our legal system if someone can walk away from something as perverse as this. Also, how the fuck is bestiality not illegal there? I mean honestly, it literally means having sex with animals. How is that possible? I know plenty of people that have gotten drunk and made some bad decisions, but I’m yet to hear a story about someone waking up next to something that isn’t human. To be honest, I would probably bang a mermaid, but that’s about as far as it goes.  Besides, the laws are a little blurry when it comes to supernatural creatures anyways. Seriously though, how do you even get to that point where you decide to start having sexual relations with an animal? I mean, it just seems like a lose-lose situation. 

New Jersey hasn’t gotten around to outlawing bestiality yet, so this guy gets to use the same water fountains and public playgrounds that your darling children get to use. Really? This guy walks around sticking his wanker in live beef and gets to live a normal life while people are going to jail for marijuana. If you did a poll in your local community and asked everyone if they would rather have potheads or cowfuckers in their town, what do you think the outcome would be? My faith in mankind wants to think potheads would win by a landslide.

I know this is a shocker, but this COP is also accused of sexually assaulting three young girls and one little boy. Let me get this straight. This guy molests litte girls, little boys, little cows, and he’s not in jail getting raped by Bubba yet? That’s a crying shame. Can’t wait to see the YouTube video of this guy burning in hell.

Nice gizzard

Nice gizzard

Check out Robert Melia’s girlfriend. If I were him, I would’ve told the judge that I was just confused and thought the cows were my girlfriend.


Paul & I Been Togetha Fo Fo Long Yuuurs

“I don’t know what she do with the chicken tetrazzini, but Paul loves it.”

Mmmmmm. Sounds kinky.

Thank you Dominique, Paul, Alycia, and chicken tetrazzini for exemplifying why foreigners think were fucking stupid.


Fashion Shmashion

blog1Ok, Nike, please stop dropping kicks that cater to 14 year old suburban kids. I’m convinced that your designers work at the local Macy’s and pick up on trends a year after they’ve been worn out worse than Paris Hilton’s yoo hoo.

You take one of the bombest running shoes ever, the Nike Air Huarache, and combine it with another epic shoe, the Nike Air Max 90, and THIS is the first colorway you come up with??? Elephant print AGAIN? That is fucking retar-tar in my honest opinion. Elephant print has become custy as fock for a while now because your designers have a tendency to flog the shit out of styles until they’re no longer cool. This has to stop or else my shoe rack will look like a petting zoo.

Marc Jacobs Skate Decks

Marc Jacobs Skate Decks

Wow,  these are going to fly off the shelves. A skateboard deck made and targeted for homosexuals.

I don’t know about you, but most skaters I see don’t really look like the type of guys that would say “Hmmm, that kickflip was SUPER cute. OMG! I just haaaaaaaave to learn how to do that, you batch.” Sorry Marc, I just don’t think luxury brands have an audience with a sport that rebels against fashion trends and despises corporate culture.

Reebok Pump Court Victory 2

Reebok Pump Court Victory 2

Although the color scheme is a little on the limp-wrist side, you gotta love the same Pump’s that Michael Chang used to rock, in a colorway that exudes party time. First off, Pumps are epic. Now, factor into the equation that they are the “Miami Vice” edition. That makes them legendary and appropriate to wear to yacht clubs, black tie events, and anywhere Kate Moss can be found. Win.