This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnns! We all missed you and hope you didn’t subsequently die of an overdose after this picture was taken. I’m pretty surprised to see Beans with a female. I was under the impression that this guy mated with grizzly bears but apparently he dabbles with retarded girls, too. Look at her face, there is no way she doesn’t have a lisp and speak with a deaf persons voice.
I’m not even sure what to say about the red shit.
This picture is awesome. If I could have this pic blown up to at least 24″x36”, it would be hanging on the wall in my place. How can you not love a pregnant redneck woman holding a watermelon and a glock. Crazy white girl isn’t even smiling, which means she’s serious, which is scary.
“Dadgummit, I knew we were supposed to get our glamour shots taken today for our Daughters of the American Revolution scrap book, but I lef all ma props at the house. All I had in ma truck was a big ‘ol watermelon and this here pistol.”
Everyone say hello to Pizza the Clown. This picture straight up gives me a bad feeling. It’s like a creepy version of a picture that you’d see on the wall at Chili’s. Who the fuck becomes a clown anyways? It’s definitely the creepiest of all professions. You dress up like a fag, you name yourself something ridiculously stupid, and your job is to be with kids all day. Sketchy. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always hated clowns with a passion. Talentless hobos, all they have to do is sit there and look stupid. My dog can do that. I would feel a lot safer if a dog were around my kids instead of this fucking douche with a testicle as a nose.
If you watch this clip from “Hot Rod” and don’t laugh, then you probably are about as much fun as a quadriplegic at a dance party.
Yeah dawg, thats smart as fuck. You won’t regret that in 2 days.
Oh, don’t worry about that nug behind your ear, you’re hired! Besides, you can always just cover that right up with your hair whenever we’re around clients.
That’s a very creative jail tatt you got there. Have fun explaining that one to your kids.
Honestly, how sick are you of being called a pothead?
I think I found my new group of people to prank call and harass. Check out my homies at Dagorhir.com.
Have you seen Role Models? If so, you would probably remember McLovin from Super Bad being a creepy tool that rocked a cape, a foam sword, armor, and lived in a fantasy world with other rejects. These fucking losers have battles where there are actual rules, regulations, and fantasy hierarchies. Well my friends, these creepsters actually exist and they have chapters across the nation. What the fuck.
I know some people out there love them some Lord of the Rings, but I wasn’t aware that people that drive KIA’s and smoke Doral’s actually live double lives as Frodo Baggins. I mean do they keep it a secret from their coworkers at Burger King? Do they recruit? I mean these fuckers have girlfriends in their fantasy worlds. AKA They have sex as Samwise Gamjee, getting off to the thought of boning some elf. Yeah, I just went there, but it needs to be brought to peoples attention. These dwarf fuckers houses should be put on a map, just like sexual offenders.
For all you nerds out there that got blackballed by Lambda Lambda Lambda, the clan of ye Atlanta realm, The High Spires, are looking for warriors in the Atlanta area. I hear they are a mighty strong chapter with many a brave lad. They have an online forum, with 3 total brave soldiers in the entire message board. They also smoke pole. I know some people get lonely or sometimes get caught up in things that they shouldn’t, but I would probably rather become a meth head than hang out with these hobbits.
I knew a kid at UGA whose name was Kelvin. Kelvin carried around the Lord of the Rings (hardback version), had long bleach blonde hair, wore a leather headband, and majored in Native American Religion. He told me that his favorite thing to do was to climb up into a tree, read a book, and enjoy nature after eating a bunch of mushrooms. As normal as that sounds, I think ‘ol Kelvin could certainly be a Dagorhir suspect.
The Atlanta Chapter of Dagorhir, excuse me The High Spires, have practice at 1pm every Sunday at Blackburn Park. If you have any questions pertaining to practice or Dagorhir, you can email Athron@dagorhir.com. Athron, hmmm, I would be pissed. That name was apparently given to him by his father, the Prince of Rohan.
Anyways, if anybodys down to go bully some losers at Blackburn Park on a Sunday after Church, hit me up.
For further entertainment, go HERE, and check out the Aethenu chapter and all their pictures and rules… pretty fucking awesome…
Maurice Clarett is asking for an early release from prison to pursue a career in the NFL. Maurice says that the earlier that he gets out, than the earlier he can start training for the League. He claims that NFL teams have been contacting him for his services whiles he’s been in prison. Three words are immdiately coming to mind… Yeah fuckin right!
Isn’t this the same dude who was robbing people for cell phones like a year ago? Didn’t he get caught with a bunch of guns and a bullet proof vest on like right after that? Not exactly what NFL teams are looking for these days, especially after the Mike Vick and Pacman Jones escapades.
Wait a tick, didn’t you make a “comeback” already and run a 4.8 40 yard dash at the combine? I think that NFL ship has sailed, Maurice. You might have a better shot of getting out of prison if you were a little more realistic. Tell everyone that you want to get out so you can start training to become a bagboy at Piggly Wiggly. I think people might actually pity you and be more lenient if you played the pathetic loser card. But then again, who wants their groceries bagged by Maurice Clarrett?
For all you perves out there that have seen the Mona Lisa and thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish this bitch was naked”, it’s your lucky day. This painting, that resembles a naked Mona Lisa, resurfaced in Italy after being hidden in the walls of some rich fuckers house for almost a century. There are records that suggest that this painting was done by Da Vinci, and it will undergo scientific artistic investigations to determine whether or not Leo painted those hot b-cups (maybe small C’s). Although the woman isn’t identical to the woman in the Mona Lisa, there are enough parallels in the work to draw the conclusion that this is another variation of Da Vinci’s most famous painting. Props Leo, she looks pretty fire and you did a great job of making the twins appear perky and about the same size.
Apparently, Napoleon’s uncle was a perve and he used to own this painting. The work has since changed hands a few times between sophisticated, high society porno fiends before landing in the Museo Ideale in Da Vinci’s hometown in Italy. The musem director is obviously a huge perve himself and was quoted saying “Our quest for naked Mona Lisas continues.” Eesh, keep that one to yourself you skeez. I want to see plenty of chicas naked but I don’t go releasing public statements about it, especially if they’re dead. That’s just creep.
Pee Wee Herman and Michael Jackson were both rumored to be interested in buying the painting, but quickly backed off when they realized that it wasn’t a nude portrait of a little boy.