Not only do I have the utmost confidence in our product that we are releasing this spring, but the sunglasses industry has gotten kind of retarded so I’m more confident than ever that our brand will be successful. Jeremy Scott and Linda Farrow produced these fugly sunglasses that are literally dumb as shit. I literally can’t think of any social scene where these would be acceptable. I could see them being awesome for a male nurse at a psyche ward.
The guy that designed these Koo-koo’s nest glasses is named Jeremy Scott and he is the same loser that designed the Teddy Bear Adidas pictured below. Karl Lagerfeld said he could design for his brands, but everything I’ve seen him design would be cooler on Garry Gaga, Lady Gaga’s twin brother. Check out the Teddy Bear Adidas that were made for rapist clowns and the Garry Gaga video with Nick Swardson, both are hilarious.
“STOP SELLING THE ECSTASY, RICKY!!!!” -Garry Gaga
Outside Lands Festival. Phish, Deadmau5, Arcade Fyerrrrr, Black Keys, The Roots, STS9, GT, Big Boi, Muse, MGMT, Toro y Moi, Best Coast, and a bunch of other hipstamatic bands and artists all at Golden Gate Park in San Fran… Aug 12-14… I’ll be there yachting it up and weaving my way into the fibers of the hipster elite.
Original Nate Frizzell piece. I tried to book this guy for an art show in Atlanta but his agent said that his weekends were booked solid in 2010… obvi means he’s all the rage with the skinny-pant-wearing-Pabst-drinking crowd in Brooklyn.
Mishka x Wavves snapback. Mishka NYC, based out of Brooklyn, teamed up with noise pop band, Wavves, out of San Diego to create this incredible headwear. Adorned with a marijuana leaf in one of my favorite colors, this hat is a must have for me. They only made a handful of these for online and retail purchase, the rest were reserved for the merch booth at Wavves shows… how fuckin hipster is that?
This hat is going for like $200 on e-Bay so I tried to get a beautiful female companion to go to the Mishka store and try and flirt her way into getting me one, but then she realized she was in Brooklyn and ran for the first train to Manhattan. Models… can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
Not the momma!
So, since you already have a dope 4/20 show to attend at King Plow… Follow that up with Charlie Sheen at The Fox Theatre on April 21st. You will hear his side of the story, in case you didn’t already in one of his 862 interviews, in a show called Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.
This should be nothing short of ridiculous.
Yaaaaa mid-nineties swag. Amy want raindrop drink.
For all of you that don’t know about Dr. Karen Ross, Dr. Peter Elliott, Herkermer Homolka, or Amy the Gorilla, go watch this movie. It will change your life.
What’s funnier than a fat kid falling? A mexican fat kid falling. There’s just something so sinister and hilarious about the language barrier…
Representing the headbands of Tommy Chong and “Cheech” Marin, the Nike Dunk SB “Cheech & Chong” is the newest stoner themed SB to hit the shelves on 4/20. To the naked eye, I would say these shoes are fugly considering the copious amounts of white canvas, and we all know that white shoes are for Mexican’s.
Wait, but Nike Skateboarding actually threw a curveball with these bad boys. The white material covering the shoe is a “tearaway” canvas that cloaks a green suede underneath, only revealed when scuffed or torn. Heady! Here’s a closeup teaser pic of the canvas torn away to reveal the green suede…
Below is a picture of last years 4/20 release.
Much bigger fan of last years “Skunk Dunks”, complete with a stash pocket for hiding your nugs, brah.
Concepts has teamed up with New Balance to produce a shoe that is so yachty, Judge Smails can’t even get his hands on a pair. These limited release New Balance 999’s will only be available at Concepts in Cambridge, MA. These sneaks are affectionately coined, “The Kennedy” and are set to drop on April 16th.
Granted I’ve bashed New Balance in the past for coming out with questionable releases, but I’ve also given Concepts their due for their hand in the Lobsters. They got these just right. A little red, white, and blue never hurt anybody and the grey and taupe accents absolutely finish the drill. Gah, these scream Le Don Francois.
Since you have about zero chance of getting your hands on a pair of The Kennedy’s, get your bid with these Air Max 95’s. These are available at most shoe stores, like Walter’s and Wish in Atlanta, and are a classic colorway of one of the best Nike runner’s of all time.
This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
This story brought Le Don Francois out of retirement, and I write this with a huge grin on my face.
You can’t make this up. Music fans and cool people across the world rejoice as Kings of Leon was forced off stage due to being shit on. Last night, pigeons in the rafters at an amphitheater in St. Louis apparently didn’t like the whiny bitch music they heard and decided to do something about it. They conveyed their dislike for the band by shitting all over them.
The show was canceled after three songs because a pigeon shat in the bassists mouth. According to the band, birds were shitting on them the entire time leading up to the show and they finally pulled the plug after multiple face shots.
Afterwards the drummer Tweeted: “So sorry St. Louis. We had to bail, pigeons sh–ting in Jared’s mouth and it was too unsanitary to continue. FULL REFUNDS 4 ALL. SO SORRY. Don’t take it out on Jared, it’s the f–king venue’s fault. You may enjoy being s–t on but we don’t. Sorry for all who traveled many miles.”
Rumor has it, KoL was unhappy about the heat and were discussing cancelling upon arrival. Either way, I can’t imagine a better scenario, unless it involved more shit and more animals, followed by the band announcing their retirement and the government burning every copy of “Sex is on Fire”. Pigeons everywhere, take note.
You can check out my favorite Kings of Leon video below:
If you haven’t had a chance to listen & download Priceless the Kid’s “DIAMOND LIFE” presented by Don Cannon and Diamond Supply Co., go ahead and shoot over to PTKmusic.com and catch that free heat. This project is almost completely comprised of original music by a star studded cast of producers. Ashanti “The Mad Violinist” Floyd and Symphony Crack, Kane Beatz, A-1, The Space Kids, and DJ FU & Nicky Cage of The Weathermen all have a hand in this magical mixtape that makes one have faith that good hip-hop music still exists.
Lucky for you wanksters, not only can you download PTK’s new music for free, but he is raging at King Plow this Friday to celebrate being awesome. He will be playing with his full band, The Symphony Crack Orchestra featuring the multitalented Ashanti Floyd, Chris Morgan, Matt Barrett, and guest percussionist Casey Crogan. DJ Kane Beatz (“Kane on the beat, fuck around leave a n*gga dead on the streeeet.” -Weezy) will be on the 1’s and 2’s. This conglomerate of winners have been featured on major records with artists such as Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, John Legend, Young Jeezy, T-Pain, Jamie Foxx, and Sean Kingston just to name a few. Here’s a sample of what you cannot do and this doesn’t even feature the recently de-mohawked Matt Barrett.
To kick things off, Athens own T8R(TOT) will be womping the Gallery with his own style of dubstep, trip hop, and electronica. Following T8R will be a special instrumental performance by Symphony Crack before Priceless pillages the stage. Once everyone has officially been served by PTK & Symphony Crack, Atlanta’s own DJ MEGAN FOXXX will close things out for a late night set of epic proportions. Megan Foxxx is a producer and engineer for T.I.’s world famous label, Grand Hustle Entertainment and is playing a major hand in the “swag movement” that is taking rap by storm. T.I, Young Jeezy, Justin Timberlake,Young Dro, Yung LA, and Lil Wayne are just some of the artists he’s worked with and his remixes have garnered national attention, especially his remix of Roscoe Dash’s “All the Way Turnt Up”. “Megan Foxxx is for the guys who start dance riots… for the girls that decide it isn’t a question of ‘if’ they’re fucking but ‘whom.'” Sound like fun? Indeed.
This Friday is going to be an amazing night at King Plow. To get tickets, please go HERE and cop your advance golden tickets for $7. I promise this evening will be full of amazing live music, great vibes, and good company sprinkled with a little bit of absurdity. By the way, $3 New Belgium Brews (Fat Tire, etc.) will be flowing all night for your drinking pleasure.
Go download DIAMOND LIFE and come to King Plow this Friday to hear PTK kill it live. Presented by King Plow, Gallery Group Atlanta, New Belgium Brewing, Kane Beatz & Ashanti Floyd’s “The Building”, and the carnivore known as WOLFDOG.
In the words of DJ Megan Foxxx, “Prepare to get f*cked…and no you cannot spend the night.”
Holy sheet. I think I found the theme for the next hit porno. Eesh. These girls are fucking loco but are actually kind of hot. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC or that song from the “300” needs to be raging in the background during this video. Either that, or silence this video and watch it with some intense electronica.
The last triple combo K.O. that girl pulls is straight off a Chuck Norris training video. The soccer ball to the face is pretty legit too. Mormons vs. New Mexicans for the win.
I officially am a fan of women’s collegiate soccer.
Everyone that is going to be in Atlanta over Thanksgiving weekend has something epic to look forward to besides getting fat as shit. Gallery Group Atlanta is kicking things off right with internationally acclaimed BIG BOI of Outkast.
Antwan Andre Patton, better known by his stage name Big Boi, is an American rapper, song-writer, record producer, actor, and one half of the alternative hip hop duo Outkast. Grammy Award winning Big Boi is performing classic and new material from his upcoming album, “Sir Luscious Leftfoot: Son of Chico Dusty”.
Combined with this incredible act, platinum artists Clipse will be throwing down, including music from their new album “Til the Casket Drops”. Clipse’s will be performing new hits like “I’m Good” featuring Pharrell Williams, while also revisiting all of their chart topping hits from previous albums. These hip-hop icons and fashion entrepreneurs are ready to return to Atlanta and rock The Gallery at King Plow Arts Center.
Yelawolf will be starting things off right with his full band, The Symphony Crack Orchestra. Voted the best live show in Atlanta by Creative Loafing, the Alabama native will be putting on a seriously wild show that you definitely don’t want to miss. DJ Mayhem will be keeping the crowd hyped throughout the evening, while Gallery Group’s own Priceless the Kid will be hosting the event.
Atlanta’s own OH SNAP! Kid will be capturing this event with his signature free lance photography and photo booth which will get out of control.
This will be one for the books… Tickets will move fast and go on sale MONDAY.
As the holiday season approaches, the weather getting colder serves as a reminder to gear up on the freshy fresh that will last you from November to March. I always like winter time because it gives one the chance to get kitted out from head to toe. Don’t get me wrong– I love the summer-time steez of rocking tee’s or sportshirts with shorts and matching sneaks, but winter is the time to take that shit to the next level, ése. Tweed, houndstooth, suede, cashmere, wool, and neutrals combined with nontraditional colors is the Looker T. Washington this winter. Jackets, vests, sweaters, hoodies with bomb tee’s or dress shirts from the waist up, cords or jeans with shoes to match the shirt from the waist down, and some sort of head covering mechanism to finish the fuckin drill. What I’m going to do next is drop some knowledge on you suckas about shoes that are being released this month. Take a seat by the fire and let Le Don show you how to keep those Christmas socks covered in something fresh.
BAM, just like that you got some heaterbockles that everyone can appreciate. Asics are underrated in my awesome opinion and these are super serial and a quality addition to any closet. These Asics GT-II Tweed Packs have the old-school Fratty McFratterson appeal, while keeping the colorway variance dope enough to catch someones eye, without being too much. These kicks are as versatile as you want them to be. Dress them up with a button-down and cord blazer, or dress them down with a hoodie and a Bill Crispy tee. Either way, these are heaters have just enough “umph” to put some bourbon in your nog.
Fuck your Dad’s boat shoes and your frat bros Wallabee’s. Get emo on some folk and drop the Vans Chukka on that ass to let them know you’re not a number. These neutrals will kill in any setting. I’d even consider taking these on the feet to church on Christmas Eve with a heady holiday sweater and a mustache. Get on these steezers and remix your traditional footwear with something new. Classic appeal FTMFW.
Cop these bad boys if you like a hot sauce on your collard greens. Nike SB is cracking down on the wackness that had been plaguing most of their 2009 droppings and finishing off the year right with their November and December releases. These Nike SB Dunk Low “UnHemps” look like a sex baby between the Dunk SB “Hunters” and the Dunk SB “Hemps”. The mellow tone of the hemp combined with the “don’t-shoot-me-i’m-hunting” orange make one rad shoe for the sneaker enthusiast. Definitely not as versatile as the others on this list, but are an absolute smash if you want to turn some heads. I don’t know about you, but I always walk a little easier knowing that I have industrial grade marijuana on my feet.
Come correct to your next black tie event or holiday party with a classy pair of evening slippers to go along with your cocaine and caviar. A great friend of mine in Miami, Florida started this company, Del Toro Shoes, with Stubbs & Wooton in mind, but offers his high quality shoes at about 1/4th of the price. Easy to dress down to casual with jeans and a blazer, these slippers are more versatile than one might think. Offering dozens of emroidered designs and customizable options, you can add your own touch to any pair of Del Toro’s. Raise your pinky when you drink that Champagne and get yachty this New Year’s Eve with this timeless style that is rarely seen in the South.
Spaulding, take your foot off the boat.
It’s amazing how a new song or a fresh artist can make completely turn your day around. Considering the fact that work blows and so does a lot of music, I’ve compiled a short list of songs, artists, music videos, or albums that will hopefully alleviate some of the wompness that shits on your day. Instead of wowing you with my intellect and describing music with ridiculous adjectives that you don’t have time to look up on dictionary.com, I’ve decided to make it easier for the masses to understand how this music makes you feel through elaborate imagery and ridiculous scenario’s where this music is appropriate. Each week, I will update LeDonFrancois.com with another short list of can’t miss music. Some of the artists I have written about, some I have not, some are well-known, and some are on their way– all have that vibe that will put some jelly in your doughnut.
1. Artist: Washed Out– The subject of much recent buzz locally and nationally, Washed Out is taking feel good music to the next level. Washed Out seemingly transcends reality and engages the listener with hypnotic melodies, intoxicating vocals, and catchy eighties-esque beats that music lovers of any genre will enjoy. Instead of skipping from song to song when listening to an album, I find myself listening to Washed Out’s music all the way through, and many times taking it back to the top when the music stops. Being featured in Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and the New York Times, Washed Out certainly has not wasted any time gaining the spotlight.
How it makes me feel: Like I’m a fucking baller sitting on a beach in Belize with an 80’s, blonde flat-top while I pay 5 cents per cerveza to the nicest old waiter who tells funny jokes. There’s a beautiful broad that looks like shes from the future sitting next to me and she just keeps on telling me I’m awesome. There are some other people there, I like them, and they’re all groovin. Iguanas and shit. Win.
I don’t know what the f is going on but my myspace links aren’t working so go to http://www.myspace.com/thebabeinthewoods to listen to Washed Out
2. Album: “Manners” by Passion Pit– Soulful and passionate music that makes you want to dance like you are good at it and hug people instead of getting all emo and talking about feelings. Passion Pit is on absolute fire. Taking the United States and Europe by storm with their new album “Manners”, Michael Angelakos and his bandmates have experienced a meteoric rise over the past year. Their sound is like crack and their live performance is one of the best I’ve ever witnessed. If you’re not on the Passion Pit train, jump on it and ride because these guys are going straight to the top. Woop woop. I listen to this album pretty much daily when I get done with a long day of hard work. Windows down. Epic.
How it makes me feel: Like I’m walking down the street at a fast pace with a smile on my face and everyone I pass by is feeling the same way and “Manners” is playing as the background music (aka soundtrack). Everyone I pass I shoot them the guns (Zoolander style) and say “Yeah!” and they shoot them back and say “Alright!” and one of us does a spin move and we both keep on walking towards the next smiling face. Heavy bass in harmony with my footsteps. Euphoric.
Listen at http://www.myspace.com/passionpitjams
3. Song: “Feel Good” by Pricless the Kid– Stealing this track off his upcoming mixtape for Diamond Supply Co. called “Diamond Life”. Price was holding this banger for the tape but like all good music, it leaked so he went ahead and gave it to the public on the free free. “Feel Good” is a smash that PTK did with T-Pains newest artist, Doe Boy, and the ever-so-talented producers Ashanti “The Mad Violinist” Floyd and Chris Morgan. This track is one to get down to. Not only is the beat on point, but they lyrics make you want to live your life like it’s a weekend.
How it makes me feel: Like I’m on a big ol yacht with an ascot, white oxford with my initials on the sleeve, a navy blazer, and an ever-so-necessary captains hat on while I have a bunch of pretty ladies sitting there basking in the sun rolling me up government issues. A good looking Puerto Rican beauty asks me how I take my mojito. I tell her to make it how I like it dadgummit, and she just does it. I feel like I’m the man, and apparently I am, considering the yacht and the amazing women rolling up funky.
4. Song/Music Video: “99Luft Balons” by Nena (German version)- Although I don’t understand one word of this song, it’s one of my all-time favorites. This 80’s video is a prime example of what some big hair, a funky beat, and a little cocaine can do for the music industry. Who needs to know what the lyrics actually mean when the song is this good? This is one of those tracks where if I tried to describe it, you would have no fucking clue what song I’m talking about, but once the beat started bumping you’d say “Oh, yaaaaaaa! I know this jam.” Don’t waste your time downloading the American version. The German version is significantly yachtier and makes you feel cultured at the same time. I love the way Nena is looking at me when the video starts, I don’t know what shes saying but I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s very sexual and directed towards me. The video is extremely weird but the song is epic and Nena is one bangin Germ. This was our soundtrack to this past weekend in Nashville so you can imagine how stellar my weekend was. Having a song stuck in your head is one thing, and having one stuck in your head that you don’t speak or understand is just a doozie.
How it makes me feel: Like I’m in a discoteca in Prague on my birthday and there are people from all over the world in one big rager den of a club and some bastard dosed be with the best ecstasy in Europe. I’m doing the running man as fast as I can and having an intense competition with myself and look up to find the entire club doing the running man at the same pace as me. All these goofy European fucks have a clueless smile on their face and are looking at me with that blank Idontspeakyourlanguage-smile where they don’t really understand what is going on but they’re doing it just because they think they’re supposed to. Then, out of nowhere, the song slows down dramatically and Kelly Kapowski comes walking towards me through a cloud of smoke singing the words in German. I tell her I love her, she says something in German that I don’t understand, we kiss, and then the beat starts raging and the running man continues.
5. Album: “Crystal Castles” by Crystal Castles- Crystal Castles is an experimental electronic music band from the province of Ontario consisting of producer Ethan Kath and vocalist Alice Glass that redefine the word intense. Although well-known throughout the rest of the country and Europe, Atlanta seems to be runt of the litter when it comes to adapting to and discovering new music. Originally, it was just producer Ethan Kath but after witnessing Alice Glass perform a live show with her punk band, he quickly decided she was the missing ingredient to his music and they started recording together. Kath’s intricate beats are sometimes soothing and sometimes chaotic, but blend well with Glass’s distinct vocals to create a vibe that is rarely found in most electronic music. Just an example of how hard this duo throws down, one of Crystal Castles shows in Los Angeles this summer was shut down by the riot police because of safety precautions. Sounds like a party to me.
How it makes me feel: Like I’m at a hipster rave in an underground music club and all the people’s eyes have gone black (True Blood style) and are in trance of raging unlike anything I’ve ever seen. All the humans there look like robots and all the characters from Mario Kart 64 are at the party. Wario starts a moshpit. Every time people bump into each other the “ching” from Mario on Nintendo sound resonates. Luigi is breakdancing and spinning on his head while Yoshi is bouncing around like crazy and is more jacked up on boog shug than Chevy Chase in Caddyshack. I walk out of the club at 6am and the Batmobile is there waiting to give me a ride home. Digital and bombastic. Trippy.
Listen at http://www.myspace.com/crystalcastles
All of these artists are available on iTunes. Go get yourself some good music.
“Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.”
Old people are awesome. They are like children, but old. Plagued with innocence and armed with the reaction speed of a turtle, these senior citizens exemplify why all of society feels sorry for them.
Don’t get me started on the choir leader. That guy is a fucking cartoon character and should be tarred and feathered for this Borat-worthy performance.
If these old people knew the meaning of the words they were singing, they would probably implode.
I always love going to parties, raves, concerts, and puppet shows where there are photo booths to get ridiculous in. Nothing like capturing the moment, eh? You know what else I love? Looking at random photo albums on Facebook from parties that I never attended or heard of. Some call it creepy, some call it inquisitive, I call it hilarious. All the following people came to party, but ended up getting ripped on by some random kids blog.
This guy is stuck at the nexus of Mortal Kombat and ecstasy. Not only does he look like a raging douche, but he also epitomizes how skewed one’s percepion of “cool” is while on drugas. This rookie rolled to the party solo. That is a Men’s Warehouse guarantee.
This pack of lesbos keeps it real. The girl in the middle is essentially an all-star. She came to party and she didn’t over do it with rookie antics like glowsticks or some hardass face like her linebacker friend to the left. She painted herself to look like a robot, then, she wrote “Fucking Machine” on her shirt. Point taken. Rage.
My gosh I’m scared of the girl on the left.
This fangbanger just got done reading the last of Twilight series and saw some humans to prowl on. When he’s not working at Hot Topic, he enjoys being the person everyone looks at during a party and wonders what the hell they’re doing there without a cape and a fake sword. This guy definitely dabbles in Dagorhir.
Look at this crew, they just rolled up to the party in a lifted Dodge Ram. These guys are killing it. Homie up front did drugs for the first time and decided it was worthy enough to break out his little hippie brothers tie dye shirt. Redneck Jim in the back left broke even out his hemp necklace. These guys drove all the way from Dawsonville to rage. Props to Sigma Wexicon.
Say hello to the drug dealer at the party. Tip to the custies, the bookbags these guys carry at concerts aren’t filled with overnight clothes and a toothbrush. If they are wearing a grill and a chain, you can put your life savings on the fact that this guy has a bag full of felonies. Props on the grill, that thing probably gets you laid on the reg.
Nice flair, dog. Besides working at Flingers, this guy listens to electronica while not shaving. Apparently, he’s so emo that it’s not even gay when he hooks up with dudes.
Until next time, have a weekend worth writing about and avoid being a douche on camera.
Hey good looking American’s. Another yachty weekend is in the books and my gosh was it a doozie. I’d like to thank a lot of people, but most of all, I’d like to thank my friends Ryan and Kerry for falling in love and having a wedding so we could turn Chateau Elan into a jungle gym.
The weekend started out great. We did the whole “Let’s go out for a beer or two on Friday, wake-up early and make an early tee time.” That never works.
Once the good times start goin, we said “F the tee time”, and the next thing I know I’m waking up on my buddies couch with a crick in my neck and a mouth dryer than Lake Lanier circa 2007. Fast forward to 3:30pm and we’re arriving at Chateau Elan, barely missing our 10am tee time. After taking our time and drinking a few cold beers, we were ready for a fantastic night of drinks and dancing with old friends… and their Moms (ow ow).
I walk into the wedding ceremony smoother than Bill Clinton at a single mothers fundraiser. Everyone is all smiles and enjoying the old friends and faces that we haven’t seen since high school. Right after being seated, I get a phone call from a randar number. The person on the other line sounds like a female crying, and I’m thinking to myself this can’t be good. She claims that she is my ex-girlfriend and that she had something very important to tell me. I step out of the room and the girl on the other line that sounded like recycled death tells me that she is pregnant. As you can imagine, my face turned white and my jaw smacked the floor. I apologized repeatedly as I racked my brain wondering how the hell this happened. I assured her that I was willing to do anything to help and told her I called her back immediately following the wedding.
I got back to my seat and told two of my best friends the most devastating news of my life. My anxiety is higher than Jack’s beanstalk and I’m sweating like Chris Farley on a 3 day bender. I was contemplating how f*cked my life is and how the hell this happened because I hadn’t been “talking” to her recently. I then get a text from a certain asshole named Matty Barnwell reading, “Call me now. It’s bad. Everyone knows.” As you can imagine, my anxiety jumped ten fold to the point where I was shaking and about to puke in the middle of a wedding ceremony. FML.
After the “I do’s”, I run outside the room and call the dickhead back that had texted me. He answers and says, “You got punked.” WTF!
I don’t know who the fuck raised this kid, or whether or not they even showed him where “the line” was, but he most definitely crossed it. I wanted to be mad, but I was so damn relieved all I could do is laugh and feel the sensation of my anxiety come falling back down as if I had eaten 13 zanzibars. Honestly, those ten minutes seem like an eternity and probably the worst sixth of a hour I’ve ever experienced. Fuck you Mat, that may have been funny in your fucked up little brain, but I was pregnant for 10 minutes and I didn’t like it. Kudos for the planning though, you knew when the wedding started and where I was at the time. Bad choice of subject matter.
The rest of the night was a reward. We went on to the reception where the yachtiest band in the world was playing. Yacht Rock was there to keep the wedding A-squad, and boy did they keep things smooth. Everyone was dancing like madmen with class, and I managed to drop about 6 Crown and gingers on the dance floor, which always means things are going well. Shout out to Chateau Elan staff for swiftly cleaning up the glass everytime. No one was phased though, they just kept on dancing like they were born to do. It was just like the closing scene of “Slumdog Millionaire”, minus the Indians and the choreography.
Post-reception, the wheels really started turning. The bride and groom sped away in their “Just Married” golf cart, with soup cans following closely behind. My genius self, and one of my most esteemed high school friends, decided it would be totally legit to steal the golf cart. We managed to high-jack the vessel and boy was that a good decision. We ripped up the Chateau like Lindsay Lohan at a table piled with cocaine. We were giving joy rides and we managed to get the golf car on two wheels multiple times. All the while the cans were jingling and the Chateau staff was chasing. I even managed to throw off one of my friends that I really don’t even like that much. WIN!
We marched on to Paddy’s Pub where Jager bombs and freshman year of college antics ensued. We all thought it would be a great idea to go nuts– and we did. One friend of mine puked all over himself and his beautiful girlfriend. She was about as glossy eyed as Latrell Sprewell and was letting us all know that he’s ok “because she’s a nurse”. One friend got escorted home in a wheel chair. Another one of my good buddies even broke his nose, compliments of Don Francois himself. I would go into detail, but all you need to know is that it was in good fun, and that the littlest of paps in the nose can break it. We then put a night cap on the evening by ordering room service– to the lobby. It was like a scene off of Planet Earth where a pack of lions are tearing into a wildabeast carcass, except for it was a group of young men in their twenties hovered around an appetizer sampler. Classay.
I think a text from my friend, whose nose now resembles Owen Wilson’s, sums up this past weekend. It read, “I woke up in my car, I pissed myself, and I have a broken nose…. but I had a great time.” That a boy, way to keep shit positive.
Weekends are for winners, and we won. If you take away anything from this pointless story, I think one might benefit from learning how to pull a prank that is appropriate. Pranks about death, suicide, pregnant ex’s, or rape are probably crossing the line, so prank accordingly.