Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “perve

Best First Date Ever

Atlanta, being known for its not-so-classy surrounding areas, proves that there truly are perves that will spend whatever it takes to get some ass. For only $3oo, a pilot will take you on a romantic flight where you fly around Atlanta in an airplane and scrump while some alcoholic, ex-Delta pilot sits no less that 5 feet away. Don’t fret, “Mile High Club” pilots are extremely confidential. However, that does not stop them from doing anything else creepy such as watch, video record it, or just listen. I’m sure the clientele doesn’t mind though, because anyone boojie enough to go on this trip is probably named Dusty and drove in from McDonough in a pickup. To make things even creepier, the $300 date includes the sheets that you just had sex in, and a certificate of being an official member of the “Mile High Club”. The sad thing is that’s not a joke.

For all you future sex offenders that thought this sounded awesome, take a peak at the plane you will be riding in. Not exactly a G5, eh? If I tried to take any women that are up to par on a “get-a-away” like this, they would look at me like a garbageman and tell me their Daddies plane is nicer than this thing.

If  you ever have an urge to join the “Mile High Club”, make sure that it’s on a commercial flight where everyone can hear you to confirm you are, in fact, a member. A “commercial” member that earned their stripes through pure talent and boldness, and probably 8 airplane bottles of Absolute. Let’s earn these awards the right way people. This is practically cheating and besides, a low rent $300 dollar trip in a shitty plane is hardly anything to brag about.


David Cop-a-feel

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So, apparently he can’t really make magic happen. As if we already didn’t think magicians were creepy enough, David Copperfield had to go and rape a chick. Congrats, you’re the richest man ever to not be able to get laid.

David Copperfield met a girl while doing a show in Washington state, and invited the poor girl to his private $50 million dollar island to a promotional event that could lead to “modeling opportunities”. I have to say, most girls I know would’ve noticed the transparent desperation in such an invitation from a 52 year old man, but they all can’t be geniuses can they?  She accepted the invitation and much to her surprise, she arrived on the island to find that it was only Copperfield there?!?

Come on, man. You’re a fucking magician. At least have some fire breathers in the front yard or some elephants walking around to distract the girl from the obvious. Maybe just hire some locals to hang out in the lawn and act like you have friends? I don’t know, but I do know that if I asked some chick to come to a promotional event, and she showed up to an empty island, the alarm bells would probably start ringing.  Apparently, she tried to call her boyfriend once she realized what the business was, and the magician pulled a Ben Stiller from “Happy Gilmore” and told her that if she called anyone, that he would murder her.  David even went as far as making her go under water naked in the ocean and when she surfaced, he told her that’s where she would stay if she told anyone??? WTF is wrong with you, Magic Man. Not legit. I do question the decision making ability of a girl that goes to magic shows at the age of 22, but that’s besides the point.

The point is that David Copperfield had to threaten this young girls life and assault her in order for her to have sex with him. Honestly? How weak is your game Coppafeel? You own a private island. You’re the most famous magician since Harry Houdini. You’re a good looking guy for your age. Your ex-wife is Claudia Schiffer. You can make people fucking disappear,  but you can’t find a girl that will have consensual sex with you?!? That sauce is most certainly weak you creepy fuck. 

Good luck making this one disappear, David. I wonder how long it will take you to break out of the shackles and chains that you’re about to be in? My guess is about 5-10 years.


Mona Lisa Porn?

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For all you perves out there that have seen the Mona Lisa and thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish this bitch was naked”, it’s your lucky day. This painting, that resembles a naked Mona Lisa, resurfaced in Italy after being hidden in the walls of some rich fuckers house for almost a century. There are records that suggest that this painting was done by Da Vinci, and it will undergo scientific artistic investigations to determine whether or not Leo painted those hot b-cups (maybe small C’s). Although the woman isn’t identical to the woman in the Mona Lisa, there are enough parallels in the work to draw the conclusion that this is another variation of Da Vinci’s most famous painting. Props Leo, she looks pretty fire and you did a great job of making the twins appear perky and about the same size.

Apparently, Napoleon’s uncle was a perve and he used to own this painting. The work has since changed hands a few times between sophisticated, high society porno fiends before landing in the Museo Ideale in Da Vinci’s hometown in Italy. The musem director is obviously a huge perve himself and was quoted saying “Our quest for naked Mona Lisas continues.” Eesh, keep that one to yourself you skeez. I want to see plenty of chicas naked but I don’t go releasing public statements about it, especially if they’re dead. That’s just creep.

Pee Wee Herman and Michael Jackson were both rumored to be interested in buying the painting, but quickly backed off when they realized that it wasn’t a nude portrait of a little boy.