Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “redneck

Dad Arrested for Smacking Daughter for Eating Pringles

In true Alabama fashion, a Birmingham man was arrested for child abuse after slapping his two-year-old daughter across the face– for eating his Pringles. The infant girl was taken to the emergency room because of an abrasion and large hand print on her face, which resulted in a phone call to social services. When investigators asked the man about the marks on his daughters face, he plainly confessed to smacking her  because she stopped him once he’d popped. She’s fucking two, and your daughter, you fucking primate.

I mean how much damage can a two year-old do to a stack of barbecue Pringles anyway? Chill out guy. They aren’t even the best flavor. You should be slapped for not buying bacon ranch. Fuck you man, you suck on so many levels.

Granted, people this young, fat, and ugly shouldn’t be given the ability to procreate. They are obviously going to make children that are genetically predisposed to liking junk food. Roll Tide you sick fuck. I hope you get raped in prison and catch the HIV.

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Best First Date Ever

Atlanta, being known for its not-so-classy surrounding areas, proves that there truly are perves that will spend whatever it takes to get some ass. For only $3oo, a pilot will take you on a romantic flight where you fly around Atlanta in an airplane and scrump while some alcoholic, ex-Delta pilot sits no less that 5 feet away. Don’t fret, “Mile High Club” pilots are extremely confidential. However, that does not stop them from doing anything else creepy such as watch, video record it, or just listen. I’m sure the clientele doesn’t mind though, because anyone boojie enough to go on this trip is probably named Dusty and drove in from McDonough in a pickup. To make things even creepier, the $300 date includes the sheets that you just had sex in, and a certificate of being an official member of the “Mile High Club”. The sad thing is that’s not a joke.

For all you future sex offenders that thought this sounded awesome, take a peak at the plane you will be riding in. Not exactly a G5, eh? If I tried to take any women that are up to par on a “get-a-away” like this, they would look at me like a garbageman and tell me their Daddies plane is nicer than this thing.

If  you ever have an urge to join the “Mile High Club”, make sure that it’s on a commercial flight where everyone can hear you to confirm you are, in fact, a member. A “commercial” member that earned their stripes through pure talent and boldness, and probably 8 airplane bottles of Absolute. Let’s earn these awards the right way people. This is practically cheating and besides, a low rent $300 dollar trip in a shitty plane is hardly anything to brag about.