This past weekend, I had the inconvenience of having to fly on a commercial flight to my destination, which means it was dirty and smelled like a hospital. Per usual, the first thing I did once I found my seat was locate the newest & hottest issue of Sky Mall. Since its rude to walk up and down the aisles staring at the ugly melting pot of retards, I always find the Sky Mall publication to be the second best option to people watching. A few products in the most recent issue caught my eye, and I find it hard to believe that someone with any sort of decision making power allowed these products to go-to-market, but they did.
Look at these fly ass kicks. They are similar to any of your Dad’s running shoes, except for the fact that their logo is literally a cartoon sperm. These sneakers have nothing to do with AIDS, procreation, or mens volleyball, yet look gayer than Mario Lopez in a hot dog eating contest. Who did the branding for this company? My only explanation is that they are foreign, but if that’s not the international symbol for sperm, I don’t know what is.
I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s too unbelievable. To quote the product description, “Our patented Wrist Cell Phone Carrier conveniently holds your cell phone in comfort (no bulging pockets or digging through your purse or briefcase!) Best of all, it can be quickly and easily flipped open to answer with a flick of the wrist.”
Ohhhhhhh! Okay, now I get it. For a second there, I thought this product was completely fucking stupid and useless. 1998 called, they want their Motorola Razor back.
I’m pretty sure my dog would chew his legs off if I tried to put these on him. Kitten mittens for dogs!? An idea so bad, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” made an entire episode based on the absurdity of such an idea.
Charlie Kelly is the genius mind behind “Kitten Mittens”, and he made a promotional video to sell you on these pet accessories for homosexual animals.
In true Alabama fashion, a Birmingham man was arrested for child abuse after slapping his two-year-old daughter across the face– for eating his Pringles. The infant girl was taken to the emergency room because of an abrasion and large hand print on her face, which resulted in a phone call to social services. When investigators asked the man about the marks on his daughters face, he plainly confessed to smacking her because she stopped him once he’d popped. She’s fucking two, and your daughter, you fucking primate.
I mean how much damage can a two year-old do to a stack of barbecue Pringles anyway? Chill out guy. They aren’t even the best flavor. You should be slapped for not buying bacon ranch. Fuck you man, you suck on so many levels.
Granted, people this young, fat, and ugly shouldn’t be given the ability to procreate. They are obviously going to make children that are genetically predisposed to liking junk food. Roll Tide you sick fuck. I hope you get raped in prison and catch the HIV.