Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “sex

Best First Date Ever

Atlanta, being known for its not-so-classy surrounding areas, proves that there truly are perves that will spend whatever it takes to get some ass. For only $3oo, a pilot will take you on a romantic flight where you fly around Atlanta in an airplane and scrump while some alcoholic, ex-Delta pilot sits no less that 5 feet away. Don’t fret, “Mile High Club” pilots are extremely confidential. However, that does not stop them from doing anything else creepy such as watch, video record it, or just listen. I’m sure the clientele doesn’t mind though, because anyone boojie enough to go on this trip is probably named Dusty and drove in from McDonough in a pickup. To make things even creepier, the $300 date includes the sheets that you just had sex in, and a certificate of being an official member of the “Mile High Club”. The sad thing is that’s not a joke.

For all you future sex offenders that thought this sounded awesome, take a peak at the plane you will be riding in. Not exactly a G5, eh? If I tried to take any women that are up to par on a “get-a-away” like this, they would look at me like a garbageman and tell me their Daddies plane is nicer than this thing.

If  you ever have an urge to join the “Mile High Club”, make sure that it’s on a commercial flight where everyone can hear you to confirm you are, in fact, a member. A “commercial” member that earned their stripes through pure talent and boldness, and probably 8 airplane bottles of Absolute. Let’s earn these awards the right way people. This is practically cheating and besides, a low rent $300 dollar trip in a shitty plane is hardly anything to brag about.


Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid for Serious Cheese

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Yeah, I’d be a fist pumping son of a bitch too if I just got news that I just got sold to Real Madrid for $130 million dollars. This euro-mullet wearing, Portuguese pimp is making history, not by scoring goals or tail, but by being the highest paid soccer player of all time. Zinedine Zidane, the infamous head butter and man beast was the highest paid futbol player until now. He was only being paid a dismal $108 million. Poor bastard. Ronaldo’s not going to be the only person on the pitch in Madrid with fat pockets, though. Brazilian superstar, Kaka, is reportedly working out a deal with Real Madrid for $100 million. That’s $230 million dollars for two players. Shwing. They better tagteam some… uhhh…. other teams.

I’m proud of you, Cristiano. Not only are you getting paid $130 mill, but you are taking those riches and giving back to those who need it most. Let’s be real here, Ronaldo can bang any broad on Earth if he wanted to for free, but Ronaldo is such a giver that he actually pays for them! What a sweetheart.

In 2008, he skipped a Machester United party to go to Rome and bang out two prosties, where he swapped girls with one of his buddies, and I’m pretty sure some high-fiving was involved. Manchester United just didn’t understand and fined him $1 million dollars. For goodness’ sake, he was just putting a roof over their heads, and some sausage in their mouths. Just four months before that, he was caught having another philanthropic orgy with 5 hookers and two teammates. Apparently he paid for them all, which is like uber generous because he not only paid those innocent little princesses for sex, but he also paid for his friends to bang them like chicken piccatta too. Stories like this just make your heart go out to a man for being so selfless. Oh, and his history of giving doesn’t stop there, in 2005, he was caught with a prostitute in a London hotel, and that ungrateful bitch had the audacity to accuse him of rape. But, being that she was a whore, her claims fell on deaf ears. During all of this, Cristiano could’ve easily thrown in the towel and just started fucking groupies for free, but no, he’s a fighter.

What’s the lesson to be learned here? Not much, actually. I guess it would be that if your a bad ass, then you can do whatever the fuck you want (and still get paid copious amounts of money). Ronaldo, keep fighting the good fight, keep scoring goals, keep collecting checks, and don’t worry, I won’t tell your girlfriend (who happens to be hot as fuck) that you’re a syphilis carrying skeez.