Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Yachtiness

Posts tagged “soccer

Who Said Women’s Sports Were Boring?

Holy sheet. I think I found the theme for the next hit porno. Eesh. These girls are fucking loco but are actually kind of hot. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC or that song from the “300” needs to be raging in the background during this video. Either that, or silence this video and watch it with some intense electronica.

The last triple combo K.O. that girl pulls is straight off a Chuck Norris training video. The soccer ball to the face is pretty legit too. Mormons vs. New Mexicans for the win.

I officially am a fan of women’s collegiate soccer.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid for Serious Cheese


Yeah, I’d be a fist pumping son of a bitch too if I just got news that I just got sold to Real Madrid for $130 million dollars. This euro-mullet wearing, Portuguese pimp is making history, not by scoring goals or tail, but by being the highest paid soccer player of all time. Zinedine Zidane, the infamous head butter and man beast was the highest paid futbol player until now. He was only being paid a dismal $108 million. Poor bastard. Ronaldo’s not going to be the only person on the pitch in Madrid with fat pockets, though. Brazilian superstar, Kaka, is reportedly working out a deal with Real Madrid for $100 million. That’s $230 million dollars for two players. Shwing. They better tagteam some… uhhh…. other teams.

I’m proud of you, Cristiano. Not only are you getting paid $130 mill, but you are taking those riches and giving back to those who need it most. Let’s be real here, Ronaldo can bang any broad on Earth if he wanted to for free, but Ronaldo is such a giver that he actually pays for them! What a sweetheart.

In 2008, he skipped a Machester United party to go to Rome and bang out two prosties, where he swapped girls with one of his buddies, and I’m pretty sure some high-fiving was involved. Manchester United just didn’t understand and fined him $1 million dollars. For goodness’ sake, he was just putting a roof over their heads, and some sausage in their mouths. Just four months before that, he was caught having another philanthropic orgy with 5 hookers and two teammates. Apparently he paid for them all, which is like uber generous because he not only paid those innocent little princesses for sex, but he also paid for his friends to bang them like chicken piccatta too. Stories like this just make your heart go out to a man for being so selfless. Oh, and his history of giving doesn’t stop there, in 2005, he was caught with a prostitute in a London hotel, and that ungrateful bitch had the audacity to accuse him of rape. But, being that she was a whore, her claims fell on deaf ears. During all of this, Cristiano could’ve easily thrown in the towel and just started fucking groupies for free, but no, he’s a fighter.

What’s the lesson to be learned here? Not much, actually. I guess it would be that if your a bad ass, then you can do whatever the fuck you want (and still get paid copious amounts of money). Ronaldo, keep fighting the good fight, keep scoring goals, keep collecting checks, and don’t worry, I won’t tell your girlfriend (who happens to be hot as fuck) that you’re a syphilis carrying skeez.