Thanks, but no thanks.
Big thanks to the Don for letting me re-post this. From a curious little Ryno at www.blogfoolery.com.
In preparation for Halloween this weekend, I feel that I need to address something thats been on my mind lately. I was recently cruising down 85 when I passed the infamous Netherworld haunted house. This place is known for being one of the scariest haunted houses in the entire country. You’re more likely going to leave with wet pants and skidmarks than with the notion that you just had a “good time”. Trust me, peeing your pants is in fact NOT cool.
Ever been to a haunted house? I sure as hell haven’t and I most likely never will. You may think that I’m scared, and maybe I am just a little, but I dare you to force me into one. I will make your haunted house experience much worse, guaranteed. I’m more than likely going to crack some skulls and drop some knowledge on the creeps in these hell holes. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at this guy…
Gollum's pedophile cousin, Gary
Now try and tell me that you don’t want to drop some serious Macho Man Randy Savage flying elbows on Gary here. If this guy were real, he would most likely be listed on the demon sex offender list for indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious behavior with a minotaur. That’s 5 to 10 buddy, but Spawn here is just waiting to scare the bejesus out of you and laugh about it later. Try to tell me that your instincts don’t tell you to swing for the fences when you come across him. He will most likely be hiding the tree of infinite sorrows salivating over the thought of attacking his next victim. Nope, jump out from around a corner in front of me and I’m gonna sock you straight in the face. I may actually be doing you a favor. Then, you walk around another corner and, oh hello…
Chewbacca has a serious meth addiction
I’m sorry, but I’m literally going to leg sweep you and put you in a guillotine choke hold. Nighty-night. Maybe YOU can have a nightmare about me for once sucka. Oh, and stop doing so much meth.
Now, I understand that these abominations are just actors in disguise, but it makes no difference to me. It obviously didn’t make a difference to this guy either. Imagine making it through to the end of this joint to only be met in the stairwell by Leatherface himself…chainsaw included. You wanted to just get “one last scream” eh? How about one last roundhouse kick to the temple.
So the next time you decide that you want to challenge your digestive system to a game of chance, by all means, visit one of the many haunted houses located throughout the city. Don’t expect to find me there. I’ll be at home with the wifey with a drink in hand watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and loving every minute of it.
4220 Motha F*cka
This is the only YouTube video I know of where you can sit at your desk and look like you’re doing “work”, but actually be listening to the best 911 call in recent history.
I don’t know about you guys, but I love it when old people cuss. I respect this old guy. When I’m old, grumpy, and hopefully drunk, I want to talk shit to people exactly the way this man does. Yes, he may be shwasted face, but he is also efficient. Instead of wasting his time calling a bunch of random numbers, he went straight for the nuts and called 911. Not only do they have to answer, but they can’t even talk shit back. Genius.
I Think This Guy Is “That Guy”
Besides having two left feet and a strut as smooth as Frankenstein, I’m pretty sure this guy likes to party. I know it’s always a doozie when you see a video is ten minutes long, but believe me, you don’t want to miss this unicorn of a YouTube video. Rob Zombie looks like he decided to chug a handle of Kentucky Gold, pop some mescaline, and eat twelve xanax bars before deciding to make a morning trip to the convenience store for some much needed Budweiser. Either that, or he’s made out of jello.
The extent of this guys drunkenness is fucking amazing. I wish I was there to buy him that Bud Heavy and see where it takes him.
Here’s an abbreviated list of things I wish I could see this guy perform following his trip to the gas station:
- Ride a bicycle
- Play on a moonwalk
- Enter a limbo competition
- Run with the bulls in Pamplona
- Shave
- Win a game of jenga
- Eat a meal with a fork
- Spell his name
- Do the stanky leg
Old People FTW
“Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.”
Old people are awesome. They are like children, but old. Plagued with innocence and armed with the reaction speed of a turtle, these senior citizens exemplify why all of society feels sorry for them.
Don’t get me started on the choir leader. That guy is a fucking cartoon character and should be tarred and feathered for this Borat-worthy performance.
If these old people knew the meaning of the words they were singing, they would probably implode.
Photobooth Failures
I always love going to parties, raves, concerts, and puppet shows where there are photo booths to get ridiculous in. Nothing like capturing the moment, eh? You know what else I love? Looking at random photo albums on Facebook from parties that I never attended or heard of. Some call it creepy, some call it inquisitive, I call it hilarious. All the following people came to party, but ended up getting ripped on by some random kids blog.
Rarr
This guy is stuck at the nexus of Mortal Kombat and ecstasy. Not only does he look like a raging douche, but he also epitomizes how skewed one’s percepion of “cool” is while on drugas. This rookie rolled to the party solo. That is a Men’s Warehouse guarantee.
Indigo Girls
This pack of lesbos keeps it real. The girl in the middle is essentially an all-star. She came to party and she didn’t over do it with rookie antics like glowsticks or some hardass face like her linebacker friend to the left. She painted herself to look like a robot, then, she wrote “Fucking Machine” on her shirt. Point taken. Rage.
My gosh I’m scared of the girl on the left.
Godric
This fangbanger just got done reading the last of Twilight series and saw some humans to prowl on. When he’s not working at Hot Topic, he enjoys being the person everyone looks at during a party and wonders what the hell they’re doing there without a cape and a fake sword. This guy definitely dabbles in Dagorhir.
College!
Look at this crew, they just rolled up to the party in a lifted Dodge Ram. These guys are killing it. Homie up front did drugs for the first time and decided it was worthy enough to break out his little hippie brothers tie dye shirt. Redneck Jim in the back left broke even out his hemp necklace. These guys drove all the way from Dawsonville to rage. Props to Sigma Wexicon.
Ayyyyyy
Say hello to the drug dealer at the party. Tip to the custies, the bookbags these guys carry at concerts aren’t filled with overnight clothes and a toothbrush. If they are wearing a grill and a chain, you can put your life savings on the fact that this guy has a bag full of felonies. Props on the grill, that thing probably gets you laid on the reg.
Awkward
Nice flair, dog. Besides working at Flingers, this guy listens to electronica while not shaving. Apparently, he’s so emo that it’s not even gay when he hooks up with dudes.
Until next time, have a weekend worth writing about and avoid being a douche on camera.
Random Awesomenicity
I'll fiiiiind youuu
Beeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnns! We all missed you and hope you didn’t subsequently die of an overdose after this picture was taken. I’m pretty surprised to see Beans with a female. I was under the impression that this guy mated with grizzly bears but apparently he dabbles with retarded girls, too. Look at her face, there is no way she doesn’t have a lisp and speak with a deaf persons voice.
I’m not even sure what to say about the red shit.
Howdy
This picture is awesome. If I could have this pic blown up to at least 24″x36”, it would be hanging on the wall in my place. How can you not love a pregnant redneck woman holding a watermelon and a glock. Crazy white girl isn’t even smiling, which means she’s serious, which is scary.
“Dadgummit, I knew we were supposed to get our glamour shots taken today for our Daughters of the American Revolution scrap book, but I lef all ma props at the house. All I had in ma truck was a big ‘ol watermelon and this here pistol.”
Rape
Everyone say hello to Pizza the Clown. This picture straight up gives me a bad feeling. It’s like a creepy version of a picture that you’d see on the wall at Chili’s. Who the fuck becomes a clown anyways? It’s definitely the creepiest of all professions. You dress up like a fag, you name yourself something ridiculously stupid, and your job is to be with kids all day. Sketchy. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always hated clowns with a passion. Talentless hobos, all they have to do is sit there and look stupid. My dog can do that. I would feel a lot safer if a dog were around my kids instead of this fucking douche with a testicle as a nose.
If you watch this clip from “Hot Rod” and don’t laugh, then you probably are about as much fun as a quadriplegic at a dance party.
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